My Life

2011-11-03T17:05:00.003-05:00

I have been a military spouse for over 18 years and a military brat for longer than that, barely. As I look at the current pace of op tempo, troop draw down, and the slow down in recruitment I wonder if we are closer to being the military pre 9-11. Could it be possible Hubby will be home to see more than half a school year, have no worries of missing a high school graduation and for us to actually live in the same country for more than 6 to 8 months a year? It is a good feeling but also a tad bit disturbing.

I have always loved the military life, no lie, I did and do. As a family we are looking at the possibility of not being a military family. And it is not due to anything my husband or I have done. We are not ready for retirement and had planned on spending a few more years being an Army family. Now it is clear we may not be one, I will be able to say we are a family, just minus the military.

This is a life we have chosen together because of our hearts and desire to serve our country and the people of our country. This is a calling that is no different than being a doctor, lawyer or teacher. It is a call to serve. Nothing more and nothing less. And to have the possibility of that being taken away is not only unreal but daunting. Questions begin to arise.

Questions like: Where will we go? What will we do? Do we buy a house here or wait? Will family want us closer? Do we want to be closer to family?

As each day goes by I always ponder these questions. It is a fifty fifty chance we will be in the Army still or not. How can this thought not be in the forefront of our minds when I look at my kiddos and other families who are facing the same thing? All I do know is that we will soldier on as we always do and enjoy every minute together as a family.

2011-10-09T17:46:00.000-05:00

I had the honor to spend the summer taking care of my Mom during the last stages of her battle with cancer. It during this time that I realized I did the same thing with her death as I do with Hubby's deployments. I plan and know how I am going to handle things when the time comes or a knock at the door. Anticipatory grief has seeped into more areas of my life than I ever thought possible.

What I had thought would happen when the time came for my Mom was partly true. It was a tough time but more manageable than I thought. At the time I was dealing with the Hubby being deployed and waiting for the knock and waiting for the turn in the road with my Mom. For two of the most important people in my life I was imaging what I would be thinking and doing if something happened to both at the same time.

It was a rough six to eight weeks, waiting for a knock and dealing with my Mom. Hubby was there as much as he could via internet and phone. Friends stepped in and our church family took as much as the load off me as I would allow. Yet no one could stop my mind seeing myself burying both my Mom and Hubby at the same time. It did not happen but the thought was always in the back of my mind that I would. It actually took me a minute to realize that it was anticipatory grief I was dealing with, for both Mom and Hubby. The only difference is we knew what the outcome would be with my Mom.

With Hubby I never know but always plan. Let me tell you, having things planned out and ready to go is the best thing if anything happens. It also made me realize that we all need to be prepared for the worst case scenario, not just for our spouses, but ourselves too. We all need to have a will and written instructions for what our last wishes are. It makes it easier on who is left behind. Hubby has done this and now it is my turn. It has been made abundantly clear that I need to do this, not just for my own peace of mind but for the peace of mind of my loved ones.

Cross posted at www.spousebuzz.com

2011-08-17T17:58:00.000-05:00

My life sucks right now. I am trying to see the good but it is hard. Deployment is over and when that is over some other things might be over too. Nothing that will crumble my marriage just important to us. His career is good just life is kinda hard right now.

2011-01-28T23:23:00.002-06:00

I am here. As much as I can be after having one sick kiddo and another on the same road. The Baby is finished and Sweetness is just starting what he had a few days ago. So not looking forward to this thing making the rounds in our house.

We have started the process over again for Nana to become our dependent. It will be a few more months probable before we hear anything about it. Her oncology nurse wrote this awesome letter stating why she needs to be with us. Hubby is more optimistic than we are but I am with Nana all day every day and know what was written is true, as does she.

The Kiddos are handling it well and making Nana a big part of their day. They even tried her to play driving game on the Wii tonight. It was funny to watch. All I know is I am glad I have her while I do, no matter for how long it may be.

2011-01-14T09:51:00.002-06:00

So, in the past 6 or 7 months I have decided to grow my hair natural. For anyone who knows me it was a difficult decision. I am loving the low maintenance, confident attitude it gives me. Lets just say rocking a hairstyle that is not mainstream is fun and interesting.

People like to touch my hair because it is soft and not greasy and I enjoy it sometimes. If it is someone I love and like and know well then you have a time limit to touch my hair, if I don't like you even and we are just surface friends, back the heck off my hair. Hair is a crowing glory for a woman. You can't just go up and touch it and leave dents and divets in a person's hair.

All of this to say I wish the kiosk people that sell flat irons would not assume as I am walking by them that I want my hair straight. I have not put any heat to my hair and will not. I am learning to many fun things to do with my hair and putting any chemicals or heat on it is not part of the plan. So, for future reference Mr Kiosk Man, I do NOT want you to ask me anything about anything ot change my beautiful hair from you. Don't ask, I will ask you. And by the way, I will not ask you for any info that may cause harm to my really tight thick curls. Thank you.

2011-01-09T16:48:00.002-06:00

So I am alive and walking up right. Most the time. I have been super busy with finishing school, helping Hubby on a detail, helping Hubby change details, and starting towards a new endeavor. I am now a contributor on Spouse Buzz!!!! I am beyond excited and scared out of my pants at the same time. I have read that blog since Hubby's first deployment. Those ladies and one man kept me sane during that time and since then.

Nana is an awesome lady and still fighting strong. We have found another avenue to making her our dependent. Hubby will be going to her next doctor appointment and treatment with her to work with the doctor and nurse to get the properly written letter. Maybe it will work this time.

2011-01-09T16:46:00.001-06:00

This is a test to see if I can actually blog from my phone.

2010-11-18T09:24:00.002-06:00

I am alive. Barely walking but alive. I have had major health problems off and on for the past 18 or 19 months. It has been a challenge for me to have my kids see me crawl up the stairs in tears because I could not walk. I have been to doctor after doctor and have heard many things but what is wrong with me.

One so called doctor told me I was looking for attention to get my husband home, another said I was stressed out, and even another said I just need to lose weight. My newest doctor thinks my weight is the least of my problems. He is agreeable to send me down to another doctor who is nero about three hours away and Tricare agreed to it.

Mom is still not a dependent because that was sidetracked to take care of me. I am taking a next semester off so we can get not only myself but Mom better. She is back on chemo and fighting strong with her trademark smile and joy of God evident in all she does and says. She is my rock right now and I am thankful for her being here with us.

Sweetness is doing well in school. It is still a work in progress as she learns to teach her self and read the full directions. She is working harder but learning more now than in school. The boys are awesome. They are such independent little people. I am proud of the young men they are becoming.

I will post pictures of the family later. I must now go make green beans fried with bacon. Yummy!!!

2010-08-10T10:13:00.002-05:00

I have a lot to say but nothing to say. Life is crazy and getting crazier. The DFAS people who decide if you have valid reasons for a parent to live with you decided our reasons were not valid enough. So we have to go another route. That will take up to another two months to decide. School starts in a couple of weeks, Sweetness will be homeschooling with an online public school. Buddy Lee just got his ID card a few weeks before his 10th birthday and Big Man has a drivers lisence and moved away. And add that Hubby is rear d. It will be a crazy school year. I just pray we make it through in one piece and stronger.

2010-05-10T21:42:00.002-05:00

So I am caught between a rock and a flipping hard place. I finished school and needed a breather of one day of not talking to anyone, doing anything for anyone and just being quiet and alone. Not to much to ask right? Well, I wanted to fold laundry with no help today, really it is just one load, and probably a little to harsh, told my mom not to help me. I appreciate her help like no one else, but just needed to do this on my own today. Because I can. Well, she thought I was upset with her and cranky. Why can't I just be quiet and alone twice a year?

Hubby is trying to help and be the support for everyone. But he can't be everything for everybody. I miss our times together. The only person we both need to worry about is each other. My mom is a great woman and a great inspiration to me and everyone around her. I know I agreed to take care of her and be there for her, but the strain gets to be rough some days. I have been working out again and now I am seeing someone for counseling to make sure my head stays on straight.

I know this may sound selfish and all but really I need an outlet and this is it. It will also pass and will be a distant memory. But in the mean time, as I deal with my mom and her cancer I will cry, scream, and love more than ever.

2010-04-20T22:47:00.001-05:00

We celebrated the Baby's 5th birthday yesterday. He had an awesome cake and a good time. We had a few friends over and then hit the sack. School is kicking my butt and I am ready for the semester to end. I am off to bed and then get to do it all over again tomorrow. Woohoo!! Not.

2010-04-07T12:42:00.002-05:00

Well, just when things could not get anymore stressful, they did. Big Man hit with his attitude hard and we hit back harder. Nana started chemo and life keeps knocking me down. I am back on the cane but still doing some kind of workout. Prafully I will be able to keep a good attitude since I can still exercise someway somehow.

We are in the process of making the Nana a dependent and that is slow. On our part and the Army's. Oh well, it will get done and all will be well. Hubby is due for orders soon. I am praying we can stay here and not go anywhere else. I love it here. Most people hate the Hood, but not me. I have family, friends and a wonderful church here.

I have decided to go for my BA in Criminal Justice instead of an AA. I have five or six more classes to take and then I can transfer to an university to complete my schooling for a little bit. Between being sick, and dealing with life in the Army has caused me to switch my goals around.

Now it is time to head to the store and pick up kiddos soon. What once took me a few minutes now takes almost an hour. Hopefully it will not last as long as the last time.

2010-03-25T23:03:00.002-05:00

Does anyone know how hard it is to talk about a DNR, Durable Power of Attorney and a Living Will with a parent is? It is beyond hard. To talk about it and make your parent know that you are doing it to make things easier on both of you if something were to happen and that you do not think that a bad thing will happen, is about like going to hell and back. Nana and I had to talk about that and it was hard. I tried to add my own brand of humor to it but it did not work to well. Nana knew what I was trying to do and was grateful that I even brought it up. She has been thinking along the same lines.

I am thinking about weeding things out of my life so I can focus on my family and my Nana. Since the second announcement of cancer has been surreal. It is crazy and hard. Nana is an amazing woman who is looking at this as another fight to battle for God and will do what she has to because God is not done with her yet. I am proud to be her daughter and honored she is here with us.

The Kiddos are dealing with it well I believe. They are my second biggest concern. I am worried about how it will work as Nana gets her treatment and how they will respond if she gets sick with the drugs. It is a crazy roller coaster I have hopped on. I am glad to do it though. My Nana deserves to be taken care of instead of taking care of others. I am off to bed now that I have purged my mind for the night.

2010-03-20T18:51:00.002-05:00

Well, hello. I am back, I think. I made it to SpouseBuzz Live today and had many people ask me a question I have been wondering myself. Why have I not been blogging?? Well, lets see, deployments, school, kiddos, church, a track team for the kiddos and I became an assistant coach for the team. I think that is enough, but wait, add in my Momma moving in and my world has been nonstop going since the last I wrote anything or wanted to even think about writing.

I think I will be back because a lot is going on and I may need an outlet to purge and go about my daily life. So many changes and decisions to make and I don't feel like puking all over Hubby or family. So I will do it here. I will say happy, sad, crappy and mean things sometimes, because I may be to wimpy to say them to someone's face, and it is all good. If you don't like it then don't come back and read what I have to say. This is my world and I am ruling it.

2009-08-25T08:38:00.002-05:00

I am here with no answers as of today. i do back to the doc next week and hopefully Hubby will be able to be there with me. I am holding strong, I think. I have really wonderful painfree not limping falling into walls days then BAM!!! I am hit with a week or two of really horrible can barely walk, hold my head up, smile, think straight, painful, cranky days. I need answers and they are not coming fast enough. I am praying that GOd conitues to strengthen me through His word and my wonderful Hubby who hangs tough and keeps the positive attitude. Plus he keeps me in line when I feel close to falling apart.

I am officialy enrolled in five classes this semester. Don't worry they are all online and spread out so I am not taking all five at one time. No more than three at one time. One is self paced and something I am looking forward to. So I am sure I will speed through that one ok. The one I am dreading is Eng II. I like to write but am not a big fan of writing to someone else's liking. I prefer to write from the heart and go from there.

The Kiddos all started school yesterday and loved it. Everyone one of them is close to home and we can walk on nice days and take the truck on not so nice days. It is great not having five kiddos in four places. This year it is down to three places with three kiddos in one building. Life is good that way.

Hubby and I are settling in very well to being a husband and wife still. I am alsways amazed at how God has moved in his life and how Hubby has opened up to me. I know alot has to do with me not pushing him and being more of a positive person. (Despite my health attitude.) I love Hubby more and more each and every day. He has become my positive force and he is wonderful at it.

I am off to pick up a few more supplies for the kiddos and I for school and then I will come home and take a nap. Life is good no matter how I feel or the day is going.

2009-08-07T16:43:00.002-05:00

I am alive, with no answers yet. I have had more blood work and three more MRIs. The magentic coffin is a cool thing, just not on stormy nights. I am feeling better and slowly getting back on my feet. I am worn out from just being and want to clean, do laundry and cook without wanting to pass out or get dizzy just by walking around the house.

I have made a desicion in my life. I am going back to work, staying in school full time and preparing myself for another deployment next fall. I need to do something for me that brings money in while Hubby is deployed and school is do able online. We shall see how it goes. I am unsure if I even want to think about next fall, but it is the big elephant in the room and I am tired of it being there. Nothing can be done really to change that fact, just live in this day and not the future.

2009-06-07T16:35:00.001-05:00

MRI this week and a foolow up with the nero in two weeks unless something is very wrong on the MRI. I kinda hope something is wrong on the MrI so I can be fixed and out of this pain.

2009-06-04T10:20:00.002-05:00

Homecoming came and went. It was wonderful. Flight was delayed but the Kiddos were well behaved and excited to finally have Daddy home. I was not feeling to hot because of whatever is wrong but still ran to greet him. Kiddos got the first hug still. LOL I have alot to write but do not know how to say it. A bag of mixed up emotions and worries. Maybe one day i will write it down but it scares me to think about it right now.

2009-05-29T07:02:00.002-05:00

A phone call from stateside means it is really only a fw hours from being over. I already feel the weight lifting off my chest and shoulders.

2009-05-26T17:45:00.001-05:00

It is almost over!!!

2009-05-25T07:56:00.002-05:00

We have lost six friends on this war. Today is a day to remember them and not to forgot anyone who has ever given their life for our freedom. As I sit here waiting for Hubby to come home and not overdo things, I can not help but to think of those six families who have to live each day with out their husband, father, son and brother. I am so grateful Hubby has come home safe each time, but today my heart aches more for the families who lost someone who gave their all for me and mine. I thank those people and wonder if they will be able to find peace and joy again. My heartfelt thanks to the many who gave all for my freedom.

2009-05-08T12:07:00.002-05:00

Well, hello everyone. How is the world going out there? I got so sick and tired of hearing news I turned it off and throw it away after I read the comics. Other important things were and are happening in my life at the moment. Hubby is coming home, Moma is rocking through chemo, finals had to be taken (3 Bs and 1 C), the Kiddos need me, and of course the friends I have learned to open my heart to.

I have not had many women friends in y life. I have learned some thought and still think I am bossy and intimidating. I have five wonderful kiddos, I have to be these things. I just need to learn to back off from it a little bit, not to much because it will change the essence of who I am. Hubby and the Kiddos love me this way so I am OK with it now.

The past few weeks have been easy and hard on me at the same time. We were given an early homecoming date and it was taken away in a span of 12 hours. That is ok because hay it is the Army.

The Kiddos have been rocking. Big Man, my heart, has been on a med that is doing wonders for him. The side effects are nil and he loves it. It is nice to know after fighting so long with teachers and professional educators that I was never crazy and Big Man has a missing link. Sweetness is wonderful. She has new friends and is ready for Daddy to be home. The three boys are awesome. They are truly my glue at the end of this deployment. If I did not have to love on them so much and help them through these last few weeks I would probably be a basket case.

Overall, life here has been good. The missing piece is coming home and I have time to unfry my brain and get back into school come August.

2009-04-14T23:34:00.002-05:00

The hair dye worked, kinda. I look a little older, not so much like a clown now, but someone who knows what they want in life. There is one problem with that. I am not so sure what I want in life. Well at least my professional one. I know what I want for myself personally, just not professionally. I have been thinking of finishing up my AA and going to work as a federal parole officer or work for the fed government somehow, somewhere and any way possible. Hubby has dreams and has made the steps to get his dream and he is all excited about it. As for me, I am lost still. LOL I have been researching different jobs and love what I see in so many. I could be a parole officer, bailiff, border patrol, just about anything that involves carring a weapon legally and getting paid to help people get back on their feet the right way. The money is not a major concern to me right now because I have waited so long to decided and achieve my dream, I want to make sure I will get something that I would do for free.

Don't get me wrong, a job with awesome pay and benefits will not be turned down, it is just not at the list as being important for the job. At the top of the list is helping people and protecting our rights that my husband and many other brave men and women have fought and died for. Not to much to ask is it?? Anyway, I will think more on this and may one day come to a conclusion on what I want to be when I grow up.

2009-04-06T22:03:00.002-05:00

As I sit here with brown hair dye on my head I am wondering will it be enough to push me that extra mile to finish this deployment? I am tired, very tired. Hubby keeps telling me I am doing a great job and he will be here sooner than I know and I will no longer be alone. Ummm, all I think is yeah, but I still have to make it through the next weeks or months before I see your smile and wonderful blue eyes again. I do not know if I have the mental strength to do the last sprint til homecoming.

I became exhuasted a lot sooner than normal, but the small things of life have added up to a few giant things of life. All the Kiddos are fine, went from fighting with a school to working together and everyone wanting a piece of me has kinda drained the reserves I usually have for the final sprint to homecoming. It is turning out to be a shorter deployment than others but life happens and it picked this deployment to rear its ugly head big time.

The Kiddos have stepped up and helped me tremendously and shown me how wonderful they truely are and make me so proud. Sweetness had surgery and now faces root canals. Big Man was diagonised with ADD after 17 years of life, 13 years of fighting and saying he is bright and so very smart but something was not clicking and I had no clue what it was. Buddy Lee, Big Man 2, and the Baby are growing up and loving life. They all make me small and proud of how far they have come in such a short time. They truely are a gift from God. (Just don't tell them I said so, I will deny it)

It is almost time to rinse my hair. Let's see if it looks good and if it makes me feel all grown up and ready to face the next hurdle.

2009-03-30T23:23:00.001-05:00

Does it make me a nerd if I stay up to do my Legal Aspects homework while listen to C-Span, the FTC Chairman is on and I am not bored??

2009-03-29T00:19:00.002-05:00

It is Sunday morning, early. Early as in, I am supposed to be sleeping but I am up with Big Man and his wonderful, sweet girlfriend. It is official, I think. Anyway, I am keeping her no matter what Big Man does or says.

Sweetness is almost fully recovered from her surgery and back to normal. She is still getting used to being able to talk, yawn and do the everyday things without a bubble under her tongue. She rocks with a wonderful, loving attitude. Nothing will stop her as long as she keeps this up.

Big Man II is rocking along. His dental work was done quickly and he did not go in wailing. flinging arms, or biting anyone. He calmly, but reserved, walked in holding the doctor's hand to have the major work done. He was done in about two hours and cried for the first time that day. He said his mouth was not feeling normal and he did not like that feeling. He had me rolling with his comments. He was eating by noon with no problems. For a few days he had a hard time biting his teeth together because of the caps, but could eat with no issues.

As for me, I am dealing with a lot right now. I am wondering if I can handle going from taking care of the family all day everyday to taking care of my Mom after her surgery with no down time. I am in need of my wonderful Hubby to restore my mind and heart before I can give to anyone else. That sounds like I have no self confidence, I do, I just need to be refilled by being a wife and nothign else for awhile. Three deployments in four years is difficult on anyone. I feel as if I am losing my mind right now and we still have quiet a few weeks to go. I am torn between taking care of Mama and taking care of myself.

I have heard of so many things of why my Mom needs me, I just don't know if I could live up to them. I feel as if I am just coming into my own and I need to feel out where I am going. I know what I want to be and how to get there. I do not want to be side tracked anymore and really just wnat to be a wife, mom and friend right now. Nothing more and nothing less.

2009-03-22T23:45:00.000-05:00

Life is good here, Sweetness is recovering well, Big Man 2 is doing wonderful after the dentist and I have my house back after a week of help. I am still not going to Mom til after Hubby gets home. it is just killing me. I have not had much to say or time to sit and think about it. I am sending my machine off to be repaired. Something about the wireless button not working on my motherboard. So it is time to get it fixed. I have a wireless printer for a reason and can not use it right now, kinda pisses me off. Anyway, all be safe I may return sooner rather than later.

2009-03-17T13:57:00.002-05:00

Today I am learning to wait. I am not very good at waiting, for anyone or anything. I know God has a lesson for me to learn, but I am not doing to well with it. I so want to be cut in half and in two places at one time. My Mom is in Vegas going to find out what treatment plan her doc suggest and my wonderful, loving Sweetness is in surgery as I type this. I am sitting her done reading penal code, working on homework and texting my friends and family and also Sweetness' friends.

I so wanted Hubby to be here for this but we are officially at the end of this latest deployment. He will be home in single digit weeks and soon it will be single digit days, then hours. I can't help but wonderful what the heck else can happen in the next few weeks. This is spring break and I am not feeling it in the least. I am ready to crawl into bed and relax and sleep, at least til Hubby gets home. I am done being the go to person and having to have all the answers for to many people i do not feel I need to be talking to at this point in my life. I am done is all I can say. (Don't worry tomorrow I will be alright, the big girl panties will be pulled up)

I am off to reread my answers to my homework and think about submitting them. Maybe I will be inspired to write more into the answers and not jsut the bare minimum.

2009-03-15T01:07:00.002-05:00

I so want to be on a plane heading to Vegas. I am still here in the da Hood taking care of my Kiddos. I love my life, I hate not being able to being with my mom. This is the time I hate the army and being so far away from family.

I am done, I have pulled up the big girl panties and will push forward.

2009-03-13T20:57:00.002-05:00

Well, I have had to make some hard decisions this week and the process just plain ole sucked. I love my life. I love being part of the Army life, I love my most wonderful, caring, loving husband, but I hate not being close to my mom when she needs me the most. Mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer this week. We both have had our moments and moved passed the anger stage quickly, at least for now, and have decided to laugh our way through this journey. We also decided that our God is an awesome God and the great healer. God promised us healing in His word, just not how we will be healed. We have the Joy of God and Peace from God that we will make this journey and come out whole and much more stronger than we are now. I am not sure how the end will play out for us, but we will be ok. I have that promise from My God and I hold it near and dear to my heart, for not only my mom but for my family and myself.

The Kiddos know Mom is in the hospital but not why. I am having a hard time not saying anything. They talk to her and laugh with her. I know I should tell them, just have not found the words. Mom means so much to us and has shown us so much love and caring that it will be very diffucult on them when they hear. I want them to enjoy their Nana as much as possible before the therapies make her ill. We will know when the right time to tell them is. Today is not that time though.

2009-03-10T21:01:00.003-05:00

WOW!!! It has been almost a month since I last blogged anything. Alot has happened. I passed the online class I had to retake. And the paper that got an F got an A this time around. Yep an A!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was stoked. I felt like rubbing it in the professor's face, but I can't so I will just continue to gloat. Hubby will be home not long after my semester ends. We will see. I am kinda excited but with a caution that is so large it is almost like a black cloud over my head.

In other news, a close family member is in need of some serious prayer. What we thought was not the problem, just something larger and scarier. We will know more by the end of the week. I am praying and holding my breath. I know whatever God has in store it will be alright in the end.

2009-02-15T19:24:00.003-06:00

R&R has come and gone once again. It was a most wonderful time but altogether to fast. Here are some pictures. I might have some more when I get the pictures back from the store. We forgot our camera at one point for a few days. We did not pull out the cameras to much. We just enjoyed each other way to much to think about snapping a picture of the moment. Hubby and I actually took off for a night alone. like I have wanted to for a long time, and let me tell ya, it was wonderful. We relaxed, laughed, giggled, chatted and snuggled. The best thing we did together, sleep ten hours straight without any interuptions at all. :)

2009-02-03T22:56:00.002-06:00

So, how many men have power washed their DOD Decal off? I know of one. Yep my dear, loving, wonderful Hubby did just that on my truck tonight. He did go get a new one this very evening and confessed, cause I told him to, what he did to the clerk. :) Now the yucky part is to go in and update our Express Pass. That was a pain to get now we have to go in there, the very entrance to the pit of hell, and speak to those lovely DOD workers. Not fun I say.

2009-01-27T19:52:00.002-06:00

Having Hubby home has been awesome. I am worn out though. I stay home more when he is gone but running errands with the man is awesome. Tomorrow we are heading out, even with ice, to have a night at a bed n breakfast in east Texas. I am excited and ready to be just me.

It is flipping cold. Hubby's truck's rear view mirror tells the temp. well at noon today it was ICE and 36 degrees. It has done nothing but get colder since. We are still leaving tomorrow though. We need a break and will be taking. After we get back form our night away we will be heading to my Dad's house for a few days. It will be our third Christmas and I am glad it is the last. I am tired of Christmas and wrapping presents. We bout the kids a family present that we are trying to wrap up and let each one open. My Dad bought them a TV to replace the one they use to watch TV. I hope they will be happy. I am off to pack and do laundry and shower. I still have classes tomorrow so it will be a long week for me.

2009-01-22T15:57:00.002-06:00

R&R has begun and it is my birthday. I have had a most wonderful day. Hubby treated us to a pedicure and bought me an IPod. I am so excited. He is transferring all my music from my old machine so I can put it on my new machine and convert the files to whatever I need and away I go. I am stoked. :)

2009-01-18T16:53:00.002-06:00

R&R still has not started. I am getting antsy. I can say I am almost done with the stuff I wanted to do before Hubby came home for a visit. I even waxed my own eyebrows today. It was a little painful, ok it was really painful. I am glad I do not have to do that everyday. Anyway, the Kiddos have an idea of when their Daddy will be here but not exactly when. Of course neither do I. I think I do but the Army has a way of playing with your thought process.

2009-01-17T12:03:00.000-06:00

The Baby just told me I was his maid. He is not my maid but I am his maid. All because I will not go find his shoes he took off on his own and did not put back where they belong. I am HIS maid. I just laugh.

2009-01-11T13:50:00.002-06:00

Well the days are creeping closer to R&R and I am so excited. I am not fearful like I was back then. All I can do is think about how wonderful it will be to have Hubby home for a few short days and when he returns back to the sandbox we will begin the official countdown to homecoming. I have no fears of not being good enough or what he wants. Through lots of prayer and talks with Hubby I have a new understanding of who I am and what I am. If he likes it and loves it then that is a bonus. I am off to shop with a friend so she can wear something to see a great man speak this week. I am so jealous.

2009-01-10T20:33:00.002-06:00

I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I am alive and kicking. Some days I am kicking and screaming, but alive. Christmas break was wonderful but to short for me and to long for the Kiddos. They were bored and trying to kill each other by the end of the second week. The visit with my Mom was different adn I will leave it out that.

Hubby will be home soon, very soon for R&R. The Kiddos know a general time frame but not the date. I am excited and they are too. It is only a visit and I am trying to get myself ready for the goodbye at the end. I am going to enjoy the time we have and the fact that for the first time ever we will be going away for a night to be alone and do what the married couples do. I am off to fold laundry and do some homework. My online course is only eight weeks and will require me to bust my butt to get a better grade than I did the lst time. Yes the class with the horrible instructor I am taking over, this time with someone who is local and is part of the on campus staff. I heard he rocks and the head of the department has already put in a good word for me. So I need to go beyond what is expected of me. Of course, that could just be my over achieving self talking.

2008-12-25T09:45:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas. Mom is here, food is cooking and presents are unwrapped. Hubby was able to call and talked to me for over an hour and a half. That was the best. Hope everyone has a most wonderful blessed day.

2008-12-21T23:06:00.003-06:00

I am ready to see my Mommy. She will be here on Tues and will be the light in my Christmas this week. The Boys are screaming to ope their presents, but I am able to put them off saying we have to wait to after Nana gets here. It works most of the time. Oh well.

Hubby will be home next month for R&R. I am so looking forward to eeing him and having him around for a few days. As for the Army, it is good. Bills are paid, insurance is still there and we have a nice roof over our heads. And I will leave it at that.

I have not learned anything new about being co-leader of the FRG. Of course ou leadr has her husband home for R&R and I am not calling for a couple of more days. :) Peny, I am not sure about the classes. I might learn more the beginning of next month.

I am off to curl up in bed with a book and warm blankets. The few days it gets cold is happening tonight and it is cold. The temp already dropped to 28 and predicated to go lower. I am glad I do not have to go anywhere tonight.

2008-12-13T17:57:00.002-06:00

So last weekend after watching PS I Love You, I also watched over half of 300 before I passed out. It as the most wonderful way to cancel out the chick flick. I have never seen 300 before that night. I am watching it again tonight after the kiddos go to bed. I need to finish it. The blood, gore, action, and acting are wonderful. Of course it could be I am jonesing for my man but that is something else all together I will not put out here. :)

I am done with finals and passed all the test. I eaned a B in Math and As in both of my Criminal Justice classes. I am taking over the class I made a D in with another instructor, whom I may be able to reach locally and has an awesome rep here in town, the beginning of this net semester. I tried and had head honchos going to bat for me to no avail. The grade I was given was discretionary and I can not change her mind. Oh well, I say. I don't think I learned anything that I should of in her class anyway and I feel cheated because of that. At least I do not have to shell out the money for the book again.

Hubby and Kiddos are all doing well and ready for R&R. It has benn changed so many times it is not even funny. The Kiddos know when it is going to happen and are ready for it. I am ready for it and willing to try to get into the Christmas spritit because of it.

And finally, I am FRG co leader for our comapny. SOmeone had to step up and I did it. I am not sure what I got myself into but I did it anyway. If no one is going to do it then we will all suffer and I am not willing to allow that to happen.

Anyway I am off to do some laundry and watch a movie with the Kiddos and get ready for my movie. heheheh....have a good one.

2008-12-06T23:47:00.002-06:00

Note to self: No more chick flicks while Hubby for an extended period of time.

2008-12-06T16:59:00.002-06:00

I am supposed to be getting ready for finals next week. I am trying to take all three in two days. Just so I can have more than 5 days to relax, wrap presents and do things for me before the Kiddos start Christmas Break. I have swapped rooms around, went grocery shopping, emailed Hubby, talked with a good friend on the phone, and done laundry. Everything but the actual studying, and the finals are being given on Monday and Tues. I may have lost my mind.

I have a few thoughts I want to put down but need to go back to the books. Break time, HA, is over. I hope I do not lose these thoughts. Oh who am I kidding?? I know I will and it will come to me when I should be sleeping or cleaning house. Just another reason then to stop what I am doing and blog. :)

2008-12-01T16:23:00.003-06:00

Above are the boys from this weekend. I did not get any of Sweetness. SHe was either standing net to me or cooking. And we did some cooking together. LOL Oh well. will get some more of her later this week.
I am not feeling the Christmas spirit and am in a funk. The Kiddos are good, they had a blast this weekend and Hubby is doing well. I think he may be counting the time til R&R. ANd he never counts that down. He never counts down anything, that is my job. But this time, I am leaving it to Hubby to keep me posted on that date. I am not holding my breath and will not believe it is here til I see him and touch him. Of course, that could change at the drop of a dime.

2008-11-29T10:07:00.001-06:00

I am headed home from my Dad's in about an hour. The Kiddos and I had a blast but it is time for us to head home and back to life. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

2008-11-24T22:20:00.002-06:00

If anyone knows of a good place online to buy textbooks please let me know. I am trying not to spend 90+ bucks on one textbook. I know I will for one class, but for all four, ummmmmmm, I do not see that happening. :) I have been to Amzon and half.com and am not finding all I need. Any help will be greeted with a huge hug and smile.

2008-11-23T19:51:00.002-06:00

This is what happens when The Baby is bored at the doctor's office. His ear is healed and he is perfect. Of course I already knew that.

2008-11-22T10:10:00.002-06:00

A friend and I took our Kiddos to the food court last night fr dinner and so the kiddos could play since it was to cold and to dark for them to be outside. Never mind the fact neither one of us wanted to cook anything close to dinner. Well, her oldest and my two oldest were in the play area with the little ones and we sat out where it was a little quieter than in the enclosed area. We could see them and they were being normal boys under the age of 6. Loud, loud and loud. One lady walked in to take her kids in and made a loud comment about how no adults were in there with a whole lot of loud kids. Well, ours was not the only one and another lady who did the same thing as we did looked at us and said something about how some women are quick to judge. We were all with in eye sight of the kiddos and needed a break from the noise. Why must some people feel they can spew crap and think everyone cares what their opinions are? I needed for my kiddos to play and not have my eardrums busted open til they were bleeding. Goodness, I am alone, again with them and needed a mental decompression hour. Anyway, they left and the kiddos never hurt anyone, other than themselves, and the kiddos conitued on being boys and I enjoyed my Mocha Latte. If people would just let me relax in my own way and keep comments to themselves I would be an extremely happy camper. LOL

2008-11-17T23:00:00.002-06:00

So over the weekend we got almost everything completed on the list and then some. But the laundry is still not done and I am tired of looking at it. I am supposed to be doing homework, it is the last chapter questions for my COurt Systems class. 3 to go and I need a break.
I was talking with a neighbor tonight. Her husband is getting ready to start another deployment and she has the same fears I have not seemed to conqueor. I am having a hard time giving Hubby what he needs and I do not feel as if I have anything to give back to him. I have been giving and giving and not getting much back for awhile. I know what I signed up for but to be honest the whole back and forth thing between deployments has worn me down. We counted the other day how long Hubby has been home in the last four years. It made me cry and brings a tear to my eye whenever I think of it. It was not even 24 months he has been here. He has missed holidays, birthdays and so many other moments we will never get back. He will miss Sweetness' first rectial playing her clairenet. She is good, by the way. And more holidays and birthdays are fast approaching. We are having a small Christmas this year and keeping the tree up til R&R. Whenever that may be.
Thanksgiving will be with my Dad and hhis sister. I am looking forward to a couple of days away from the hustle and bustle of what has turned into my life.

I am off to finish my homework and to get some sleep, maybe. Yeah, that thing called sleep still evades me. It may find me again one day but I am not holding my breath.

2008-11-15T13:12:00.006-06:00

To Do List:
~~Write list~~
Laundry (hopefully I can conqueor it today)
Clean my bathroom
~~Clean and dust bedroom~~
~~Clean kitchen~~
Sweep and mop floors
~~Buy turkey fryer~~
Write a letter
~~Check mail~~
~~Clean out trucks~~
~~Cook dinner~~
Watch a movie
And maybe more if I feel inclined to. The Kiddos are helping with the To Do List today. They make the most mess and are gone the most. The are not grumbling to much but will get over it anyway. Off I go to clean and wish another day would move just a little bit faster.

2008-11-11T12:39:00.002-06:00

At the side I added a button for Project VALOUR-IT. Of course I joined the Army team. Please donate, not just so Army can win but because of all the wonderful Soldiers, Airman, Sailors, and Marines it has and will help out. Let these men and women heal in all the ways they need to. They have given enough. It is time for us to give back.

Veteran's Day is here and I was able to talk to my Vet for a few minutes today. I love that man more than anything in this world. As for rememebering, I do everyday. My grandfather was a POW in Korea and my Dad was in the AF and my HUbby is in a combat zone once again. I rememeber with every breath I take and with every heartbeat. But so many other people say it better, like here, here and here.

2008-11-06T20:14:00.001-06:00

Christmas has been saved. My MOMMY is coming for Christmas!!!!!! I am so excited. I love my Mommy so much. This will be a good Christmas even with Hubby in the Sandbox. We will open presents and take lots of pictures for him ut my Mom will be here to help and make it not so lonely for me.

2008-11-05T16:35:00.002-06:00

I got my phone, I cried myself to sleep last night. Woke this morning to tell my Kiddos what happened and to remind them we will survivie this like everything else we have been through. Life will go on and we will al learn something from this exprience and it was a wonderful expprience to have my Kiddos watch news with me and ask me questions about our election process. Next election in two years for sentors and reps Big Man will be on his own and old enough to vote then. I am feeling kinda old now.

2008-11-04T15:41:00.003-06:00

Baby puked at school, I took a math test and grab Baby then went to the polls. First place was wrong, second place I passed going to wrong place. I was worried I would have to leave because of long lines but was in and out in 10 minutes tops. Not including going to the wrong place.It is done and Baby had his first taste of a right and freedom we have here.

Update: I did not think I was going to watch, read or even think about what the results will be tonight. I am scouring the internet to find whatever info I can. I am becoming addicitated.

2008-11-02T16:59:00.003-06:00

I am sitting in the tailgate of Hubby's truck and enjoying the beautiful weather. The Kiddos mowed part of the yard and have behaved pretty well today. I did some homework and took a very short but much needed nap. Tomorrow I have review for a math test on Tues and I need to complete my homework in the online math lab. SO much to do and not enough time. I did laundry all day and still only made it through about half of it. It drives me crazy because it seems like it is never ending.

I lost my phone I think. I have been tearing the house apart looking for it and can't call it because it is turned off or dead. I am so mad at myself for losing it. Not the way I wanted to spend a weekend.

I am still feeling very off and have not found my groove. I keep hearing that it is ok but I am not ok with it. I am not the same this deployment and do not want to do the status quoa just because it is expected of me. I do not know if I have it in me to give and give and give for the next so many months. I am the only one for the Kiddos and I am there all. I am trying to find the balance in taking care of everyone but not doing a good job. I know Hubby has it harder and is missing all the little things, but at the same time, I am missing al the little things about him.

I am scared that one day I will forget the things he does to make me laugh or smile and the joy he brings into my everyday world. I hold my breath all day waiting for the call or knock on the door. I do not like living this way but have not figured out how to live any other way this deployment. Rumors are floating and the mail sucks so that is not helping at all.

One day this will all just be a memory and all will be well. It is the getting through it and knowing we will make it to the other side that is eluding me. One day that fog will lift and I will be fine. For now, I am and that is enough for me.

2008-10-27T11:10:00.002-05:00

No ER visits this weekend. Sweetness had a great time at her sleep over and I am getting ahead in my homework. The house work is not up to par but I will catch up soon. It is not going anywhere and we always, for the most part, have clean clothes and clean dishes so all is good.

I think fall for central Texas is finally coming. I just received my first freeze warning for tomorrow morning. That is exciting to me. Cold weather I love. It makes me want to cuddle up with a cup of coffee and a good book. Oh who am I kidding? I can have the coffee but I don't have time for a book unless it is school. I miss reading for pleasure. One day soon I will. If I make it out of college and with my brain in tact then I might have sometime to read for fun.

Hubby is doing good and that makes my heart glad. The Kiddos are doing great and the makes the heart better. As for me I can go back and forth. Today is a good day so far. I laughed with a good friend and had a shower. Just the shower makes it a good day. LOL

I am off to improve my brain and make myself smarter. Then it is off to grab Kiddos and work on homework all the way around.

2008-10-24T16:20:00.001-05:00

We are off to the skatepark. I hope no one breaks a bone or slices a major artery. That would make for one crappy weekend. :) We are closer to R&R, by at least one day. LOL We still have no clue when to expect it but each day is closer than the last, right? At least that is what I keep telling myself.

2008-10-22T23:46:00.002-05:00

2 As and a B on my test last week. The course that ended, well, let's just say I am at a cossroads and have spoken to the department head and will deicde what to do about it by tomorrow or next week sometime.

The Kiddos are doing well and improving in behavior so I have not a whole lot to complain about. I can honestly say the fog is beginning to lift and I may be able to hold my head high again.

Hubby made me laugh so much tonight. I miss him so much. Being able to hear his voice for as long as I did was a great boost. Yet at the same time I kept thinking to myself that wouldn't it be nice if he was right here next to me teasing me and being the butt he can sometimes be.

For now lie is ok and I can smile and not be faking it. SO I guess the phrase "Fake it til it's true" is for real. It is becoming true and I like that. :)

2008-10-18T22:17:00.002-05:00

Ok all midterms done, online class finished and I am not happy about the end grade. I have choices there and I have to think on it for a few days before I make a desicion. Met my internet friends. Sara, Toad and Andy all give the best hugs. Cme to find out someone was going to out me whether I wanted them to in front of the whole audience. I am so glad I went and probably scared Sara util I said my name. LOL Thank you ladies and Toad for a most wonderful day of meeting the people who get it even when I don't.

2008-10-16T11:13:00.002-05:00

I got an A on my first exam, finished my three exams for my online course, finished the paper for same course and just finished my last midterm. I am so relieved. Now I can plan my trip to SA for SpouseBuzz LIve on Sat. I am not sure if I will introduce myself to any of the wonderful ladies that I love to read and admire so much. I am so excited and scared to meet so any amazing women.

2008-10-15T00:07:00.002-05:00

I am so glad Hubby cannot see me when we IM. I cry almost everytime we get off and I know it is coming and if I don't, I just cry til I fall asleep. I want it to stop now but wondering if it ever will.

2008-10-13T21:22:00.002-05:00

Will the fear ever go away? WIll I ever get used to it? I hope it oes, and I hope I don't. Whenever we lose a guy, I know before I hear about it. Only because I do not hear from Hubby when I usually do. So far I am two for two. In a week. I know it is nothing for some but for me, it is to much. I wonder if we will keep losing them and when it will stop if it will stop.

Whenever I do not hear from Hubby I always come home a little bt slower jump when I hear the doorbell ring, and say a prayer of thanks that no one in Class As and a white car or truck pulled up in front of my house that day. Will my spirit hang in there and let GOd do His work, will I allow it, am I strong enough? All f these always run through me day in and day out. Yesterday I cried a few times because two very sweet women hugged me and told me it was ok. I do not have to be the end all for anyone. That is my God's job and I need to leave it alone.

2008-10-09T19:42:00.002-05:00

I am so done. I fell as if I have nothing to give to anyone else. I have nothing coming in and alot going out. SOmething has to give or it could be it is a few days before midterms and i have amily coming into town for a couple of days. I am hoping it is the the fact I am under stress because of mid terms. We shall see next Friday when they are over with.

2008-09-30T20:01:00.002-05:00

It sucks that Big Man 2 cries everytime he talks to his Daddy. It is just another reason that I cry at night right now.

2008-09-28T09:06:00.002-05:00

I am at a weird place. I don't think I have ever been here before. I am worried I do not have what it takes to keep the fies burning in two or three places this go around. I need to give more but a whole part of me says no, save it for later, you are already strtched almost to thin. Between school, care packages, moral boosting emails, and Kiddos I feel almost empty already. I am pretty sure I will pull through and be the Queen of Third Deployments in a few months, but how do I get past this funky feeling. I am scared and see this from Toad. It's timely,and tear jerking for me. I am not facing anything like the "Big C", and I can do this. Thanks Toad. I needed that kick in the butt this morning.

2008-09-27T03:58:00.001-05:00

Deployment Secert #5

I tell everyoe I am sleeping and all is well. That is not so much true every night. Most nights I am licky to get about three to four hours a sleep a night. Makes for one tired and short mama.

2008-09-21T14:48:00.002-05:00

Deployment Secert Four:

I bribe my Kiddos to behave at the store and to let me have some down time on the weekends. If they do good for a week then I will buy them a toy or take them out to dinner at a kid's restraunt. It usually works but not always. Plus it is another reason not to cook.

2008-09-17T10:34:00.002-05:00

The Baby has begun to not want to go to school. This morning when I dropped him off he screamed. I carried him out to the truck like a sack of potatoes. The he cried all 6 miles to his preschool and I had to carry him in. Then the teacher had to pry him off of my leg to get him to stay. Lets just say I left in tears. I drove to Sweetness' school and filed for an hour. Now I am home, supposed to be studying but online with Hubby and blogging.

2008-09-14T08:27:00.002-05:00

Deployment Secert #3

At night when I am going to bed I chck the doors 4 or 5 times, then check on the kiddos before i close my door for the night. I have my laptop on my bed with the lid closed, volume on high and the lid close. I put it on Hubby's side of the bed and try to remeber what it feels like to snuggle up with the love of my life. Somedays I can, and others not so much. That scares me. Will I totally forget one day what he feels like next to me in bed? I hope not.

2008-09-11T19:17:00.002-05:00

I have so many emotions now. I am sad, angry and happy all in one.

I am sad because of of what today is. I did not lose friends but I did lose a sense of safety in my home this day eight years ago. Anyone who says they were not affected is lying in my opinion. So many people lost just going to work, droping off kiddos and living a simple life. Those are the lives I think are a senseless loss. It has been a had day for me all around but trying to figure out how to let my Kiddos grow up as Kiddos not shrouded by war brought on my next emotion of the day.

I am angry because my Kiddos will probably neve know what it is like to be able to roam the world without having to wonder if that person is out to get them or if someone will blow up the market the may want to walk though in whatever county they travel to. My Kiddos will be scared for their Dad but not show it, they want to be brave and not cause me to worry about them more. I am angry that my two youngest boys cy for Daddy and do not think I am coming to get them from school. I am angry I am not with the love of my life.

I am happy my Kiddos can live free, and without fear for dailey life. I am happy because I have the choice to go to college and be what I want to when I grow up. I am happy Big Man is growing into an amazing man and figuring out his spot in this big world. I am happy Sweetness is mature enough to stay a little later at school so she is not around the mess of tweenage drama after school. I am happy that my three boys remember and love their Daddy who is so far away beeing a brave, strong soldier. I am happy that I have a soldier who loves me for me and knows I can handle business and love him more than anyone will ever know.

All in all, the happy things far outweigh the sad and angry things. I will stay focused on my wonderful Kiddos and Hubby and accure more As (like i did on my first test!) and live my life to the fullest so no one will have control over me or mine.

2008-09-08T11:06:00.002-05:00

Hubby has only been gone a week and we had our first ER visit last night. If it happens this ealy does it mean the deployment gremlins will be done with me fo the next year? I hope so. The reason we went in to the ER was because Buddy Lee had a fever and a swollen foot. At first I thought it was a spider bite but it is an old bite that got infected. He is on heavy duty antibicotics for it. He is munching on cheese now and feeling better for now. I am reserving judgement til this evening. I am still worried about him because he is not acting himself and he has thee doses in him. I do not want to go back but will if I have too. I am making just in case arrgements fo the other Kiddos tonight. I am off to finally study for my test tomorow and do some homework.

2008-09-07T13:43:00.002-05:00

Deployment Secret #2

I let the Kiddos munch away on chips and popcorn almost all day long on weekends. I will also eat an entire jar of Nutella on the weekend.

I do like to eat healthy but when Hubby is gone I just don't care. We go and go all week being good and moving almost no stop that the weekend comes we just hang out and eat whatever strikes us as yummy.

2008-09-03T16:34:00.001-05:00

Deployment Secret #1
I only clean around the furniture and Hubby's stuff when he is gone.

2008-09-01T20:51:00.002-05:00

We have made it through the first day of deployment. I took Hubby to the bag drop after all Kiddos were in bed and snoozing like the angles they are. Hubby went in and gave each Kiddo one last kiss and whispered "Daddy loves you." Then it was my turn to say see ya. I had tears steaming down my face all the way to the meet up local and so did my most amazing Hubby. He held my hand and said nothing in that five minute dive.

Once there it was like a breaker was switched. Both Hubby and I went from being the weepy messes we wee, to wo adults who can hold it together through hell and back. He had soldiers to care for and I was falling in love all over again with the man who has really tuely rerocked my world in the last year. He was the answer guy for some and the encourager for others. FOr me he was just the hottest guy around.

Once the cluster of deploying was taken care of we had some one on one time to talk. The tears made another appearence and we held each othe close and long. We had nothing else to say but love you and see ya soon. He walked away to form up again and get on the bus. I slowly walk around his truck to dive home and had to stop at least five times because my heart was being torn from my chest. The pain was so unbearable for a few minutes that all I could do was cawl into the cab of the truck and sit there. I did not look over to see what HUbby was doing, but just straight ahead. Once I saw the box truck with all the bags move I had to get outta there.

As I drove away I saw some soldiers getting on a bus and started to separte myself from the whole ordeal. I went from a sobbing chic to a signel mom who had to make it home to check on her sleeping babies. I looked in on all five of em and satisfied all was well sat down to write my Hubby the first deployment email. It was short and sweet so I would not cry and my eyes were burning anyway from earlier.

I think I crawled into bed around 0230 and slept like a baby til 0830. I don't think I even tuned over one time. All the Kiddos slept well and we had a wonderful day. Big Man was able to hit the skatepark here on post for a couple of hours and the others went swimming. I did some homework and tried to keep mself together. I called a few people to tell them I am fine and the Kiddos are awesome.

The one thing I did was ask Hubby to do was wait til he made it over the pond to call. He did not of course, he called from his first layover. It was wonderful to hear his voice, especially after I just had a meltdown (not at the Kiddos, just myself) and needed to hear his soothing teasing to get me ouuta my funk. It worked and it worked for all the Kiddos too. No one but me cied as fa as I know today and all the little ones went to bed without to much dama.

All I know is I have to make it throught the next year so I can be whole again. Many plans have been made and no calander for Hubby's homecoming is being thought o no. Just putting one foot in fromt of the other and one breath at a time. Nothing more, nothing less. Pray I keep my sanity and Hubby stays safe.

Good night.

2008-08-30T22:02:00.001-05:00

This just sucks. That is all.

2008-08-30T15:10:00.001-05:00

Ok, so making salsa without gloves is not advisable. Especially if you are having allegeries. Let me say I am still feeling the burn, but the salsa is yummy. :)

2008-08-29T21:35:00.003-05:00

Time is moving way to fast for my taste. We have been having a blast and not having to answer about how we feel and if someone can come over and spend time with us before Hubby takes off for his trip across the pond. Family just left and we have a few days to hang out and laugh. I don't feel the pressure to have everything perfect before Hubby leaves and I really am enjoying our time hanging out and laughing. I have not laughed so much in a really long time and I am enjoying it.

Big Man 2 is having a hard time this week. Between school and Daddy getting ready to "go to work" he is melting down at least twice a day. Hopefully he will be better in a few weeks. The rest of the Kiddos are hanging in there and being wonderful about things. All of them get some one on one with their Daddy so they are happy. I even had time with Daddy and we had a blast hanging out and watching a movie.

I starte school this week and love, just love my classes. Math will be pretty easy but the rest will be a changellage to me. That is a good thing. I have to do questions in two classes instead of a term paper and that makes me happy. I would rather research questions rather than find sources and write a term paper that may or may not meet the profosser's likes.

Anyway I am off to drop Kiddos in bed and snuggle up with the most amazing man in the world.

2008-08-25T21:45:00.003-05:00

Baby eating breakfast before school. He went without crying and had a huge smile when I picked him up. A very good first day at preschool for him.
Big Man 2 eating breakfast bright and early. This child is not a morning person so this is a rare sight before 10 AM let alone at 7AM.
Buddy Lee was ready to go Sunday night so he was set.
Sweetnes riding off to middle school. She was ready for this new step in her life.
Big Man getting ready for 11th grade. WOW!! 11th grade, I still can not get that wrapped my mind. I am only 34, that is way to young to be havng a kiddo getting ready to graduate in 2 years.

As for me, I did ok. I did not ance as much as I thought as I would. As I walked Big Man 2 to school I began to get butterflies. He walked into the building all by himself with no tears. He made me so proud. Baby was sleeping in the truck to his school but woke up as soon as I turned the engine off. He climbed out of the truck before I had stepped two feet away from my door. He walked in and joined in like he owned the place.

My one class today was good. Not to sure about the professor though. Maybe it will flow better throughout the next few days. I have a long day tomorrow with 3 classes and an FRG meeting in the evening. The inlaws are still here and driving me crazy. Oh well, at least HUbby ets to see his folks before he takes off for the sandbox.

Speaking of the sandbox, the date has been moved up and we are not close to being ready. I am sure we will be when the time comes. Til then I hate the rollercoaster ride of emotions. Oh well, off to shower and get ready for a new day tomorrow.

2008-08-14T21:02:00.002-05:00

Today is the day Hubby and I wed 15 years ago. Earlier this week I had totally spaced it as did Hubby. With so much happening and things going on it was just another day. We had not planned on doing anything because of a coming deployment but the neighbor took all FIVE of the Kiddos and said we needed at least one night alone. I am so glad that she did. Hubby and I went bowling and had a yummy dinner at Logan's Roadhouse. Last night as we were laying in bed, chatting before sleep overtook, I asked him if he thought we would make it this far. His answer was a flat out no. We have had some really ugly times and even came to the point of not liking who we each had become. A few years apart because of military stuff and we are likeing each other again and rememberng why we fell in love. The Kiddos bought us the cake and card.

2008-08-11T15:34:00.002-05:00

It has been an exciting day around here. The Baby is going to be going to preschool close to home home. And then Big Man cut up his hands pretty good today skateboarding. I made him an appointment to bee seen this evening just to cover myself and Big Man's hands. He has lost a piece of skin that is about the size of a nickel. It was bleeding so much that I thought he punstured himeself. We washed him up and it still looks gross but no stitches will be needed. Anyway I am off to make dinner before I head out to the doc's with Big Man.

All fiv Kiddos will be out of the house and in school next year!! WOOHOOOOO!!!!

2008-08-09T10:26:00.001-05:00

We are at my Dad's house and I forgot my camera. Whenever Hubby is still home I do not take as many pictures as I should. We have two cameras now and both of us left them on the top shelf at home. I am so upset with myself.

2008-08-07T18:41:00.002-05:00

I am coloring my hair. I hope my hair does not fall out. It is kinda scary but I hope the red shows more than it usually does. It was time for a change and this is the first step. I am thinking about making my hair curly again. The whole thing started because I found two gray hairs. I know it is not alot but jeesh I am not ready to start goin gray. Plus red fits me better. :)

2008-08-05T17:08:00.003-05:00

I got a new camera over the weekend and love it. It is not the digital SLR like I want but one step under it. I have been having fun. I am learning so much about it and want to take pictures again.

This is the Baby in a new bike helmet. He needs one all the time since he falls on his head so much.
This is Big Man 2 kicking it. He is so cute when he wants to be.
Here is Buddy Lee. He wants to ride his ike to school so he got a helmet too. Now he just needs a bigger bike.

2008-08-04T06:16:00.002-05:00

Sunday did not feel like Monday and it as a wonderful day. We had friends over and sat outside late into the night talking. Hubby and three women with Kiddos running around. It was fun relaxing and wonderful. Hubby had a glimpse into my life while he is gone and I think he understands a little bit more of the stress we go through while he is deployed. We covered so many topics and he helped us to understand the why of soemthings also. I do know that having him with us girls last night made me know I am going to miss him even more. He is geting up there in rank but I do not want to be the wife who is not friends with someone because of her husband's rank. I like my friends and need them around before, durning, and after a deployment. Even when Hubby first comes home. It makes it easier for all of us if we kinda conitue on with the routine, even sitting outside til late chatting and laughing.

2008-08-01T18:23:00.001-05:00

Training day. Huby has been home allday without having to do his thing. We spent all day together and it feels like Sat. I wonder what tomorrow will feel like and if Sunday will feel like Monday. I hope not. LOL

2008-07-27T22:54:00.002-05:00

Sweetness is having a sleepover tonight. The house is directly behind us and Big Man 2 was freaking out wanting his sister. I got him and Bab a stuffed animal from Sweetness' room, not a peep from either one. The boy is crazy. He could not wait to get rid of her earlier and now he wants her back. The boy cracks me up somedays.

2008-07-22T19:39:00.002-05:00

Happy 17th Birthday to Big Man. I can not believe this time seventeen years ago when I was just 17 I was holding my first born. At times I wished I had know then what I do now but then I think about how I would have missed out on my eight year old would hold my hand when we walked down the street and still call me Momy. Or when he was a few weeks shy of 17 he would wrap his arm around me and thank me for finding a good church home for us and telling me he loves me. I love him more than I would have thought I could. He makes me proud to be a Mom and to have the privalage of watching and helping him grow into an awesome young man.

2008-07-22T19:37:00.003-05:00

It is official. I am admitted to Central Texas College in the Criminal Justice AAS Degree program. Once my finacial aide is accepted I will be able to registar for classes. I have to take 4 to 5 classes a semester and one in the summer to graduate on time. We shall see how that goes.

2008-07-21T09:17:00.002-05:00

Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock is the noise that has been keping me awake at night. It is the closck in my head ticking away the seconds we have left til Hubby takes off on his net vaction in the sandbox. It is still a few weeks away but so much needs to be done and I am trying not to freak over it. I am done hoping they will keep him on Rear D just this one time. I am at the point even though much needs to e done, of he needs to go now and start this vaction so we can end it. I am snappy, mean and wore out. I try so flipping hard to keep my head above water but feel myself sinking into the pit I call self pity.

Every morning I crawl out of bed and make a promise to myself that today will be a good day. I do roll with the punches and fake being content everyday. SOmedays it works somedays not so much. The worry, uneasiness and weariness is setting in early. I am learning new ways to cope and some are not so good to be starting and others rock. I have a hard time taking my own advice.I tell al the ladies who say they can't sleep to do what they need to to get through and not be sleep deprieved. I am scared of pills and the after effects.

Hubby is great about the whole thing and talks to me and tells me his job will not be as bad as we thought it would be. We both know to a degree he is lying. I just don't like not knowing when he is safe or not safe all the time. Hubby told me that he never knows when he is safe and not safe. He just rolls with the punches and will deal with it if something comes up. I know he rocks at his job and he is trained to be the best he can be.

In the grand scheme of life I will make it and pull the big girl undies on and embrace the suck. I will be alright and I will smile for real again. One day this will be a distant memory that I will chose to forget. Each day I will love my Hubby and Kiddos and know that we will all be good and come out the other side bigger and better people.

2008-07-16T11:59:00.005-05:00

This is after shots. All happy and covered in stickers. They were quite happy and content. Then Baby jumped and busted his head open. He was hapy and even slept through most of the sticthing. He has a total of six stiches and is fine. We got there a little after none and arrived home closr to 4 am. Hubby rushed us over and then came back home to make sure the rest of the other Kiddos were fine and ready for bed. Plus he needed sleep since he had to be at work at 6 am and is at the range all day. I think he got aout 4 hours of sleep for today. I think we will see him for about 5 minutes after he showers.

2008-07-13T16:25:00.004-05:00

To Do List for the Week:
~~1. Write List~~
2.Laundry
3.Go to gym ~~three~~ two times this week
~~4. Take Kiddos to doctor appointment for physicals and the dreaded update on shots~~ This was two and a half hours of my life I will never get back. Why do they think slow is good or we do not have to be anywhere for the rest of the day?
~~5.Grocery shop~~
~~6. Go into Temple to visit Sam's Club~~
7.Cook dinner everynight this week
8.Go to Weigh2Live Class twice this week.(it is a month long class twice a week)
9.Laundry
10.Run/Walk ~~twice~~once this week (the dr appointment is at an ungodly hour in the morning it will take me 30 minutes just to rouse the Kiddos out of bed)
11. Registar for classes this fall
12.Start accumlating stuff for care packages
13. Love on my Hubby even more the next few weeks (work in progress)

This week is going to be just as crazy as every other week in my life. We shall see if I will lose my mind.

2008-07-08T09:56:00.005-05:00

Update: Laundry is still waiting to be done and only one nap was taken. I have slept worth crap this week and I am feelin blah. No other way to say it. House cleaning will be done tomorrow as a family. I did cook 4 times this week and Monday I go back to eating realy healthy and wise. I miss the good feeling I was having making right choices. The ease and cost effecient choices are not always healthy but that will change.

Things to Do this week
~~1.Write List.~~
2.Laundry
~~3.Take out rocks in flower bed~~
~~4. Take out posionous bush in fornt yard.~~
5.Laundry
~~6.Register Kiddos at CYS~~
7.Make dinner at least 4 times this week
~~8.Rearrange the bushes in flowerbed~~Not going to do this yet. I am waiting til next spring and then will decide what I want in there.
9.Sweep and mop floors
10. Laundry
11.Nap at least 3 times this week
12. Blog about my trip to DC and post pictures

I think that is a good satrt. We got my mom to the airport in good time last night and now have life back to us. I love having company and family in but I was getting tired and wanting to be in my home with just my Hubby and Kiddos. Anyway I am off to work on my list and see if I can accomplish anything without hurting myself or the Kiddos.

2008-07-06T18:49:00.002-05:00

It was a wonderful 4th of July here. I think I am the only person in the world who cries at fireworks shows. One year it was when Hubby was gone to Afghan and this year because I was thinking of all of our friends who never made it home to see another 4th of July. They died fighting so me and my own could be free and celebrate what it means to be a free nation.

My Mom is still here and the Kiddos are soaking up the loving she is giving out. Big Man loved camp and our extra teenager is gone back home for the summer. I have some pictures and thoughts to put down. Just have to wait to get my life back later this week.

2008-06-30T11:55:00.002-05:00

I am sitting in an airport ready to go back to my life. I really did miss the Kiddos and it was hard not to call the Kiddos every five mintues. Sweetness misses me very much. I did not think it would be this bad but it is. In just a few hours I will be home and want to run away from all the screaming Kiddos. :) I have over 300 pics to go through so I will post pics later. But I am not promising anything.

Hubby is getting closer to leaving and all the chats I loathe are beginning. The what ifs and if this hapens. I hate hate HATE them with all my being. I know for a fact they are nessecary but that does not mean I have to like them. A friend of mine is getting ready to do her first deployment and is having a rough time but in true mil spouse spirit is pulling up the big girl panties and pushing through. I know that they will be fine but it is hard to watch and try to comfort someone when I don't believe what I am saying half the time.

2008-06-25T06:14:00.004-05:00

To Do List:

~~1.Write To Do List.~~
~~2. Go to the Commisary.~~
~~3.Take Pooch to Vet~~
~~4. Wait for bug guy.~~
5.Laundry, because it never ends.
6. Pack for my weekend getaway (no kids and no Hubby, he is loving he gets a weekend with my Mom)
7. Try not to drive everyone crazy waiting til I can go get my Mom tomorrow.
~~8. Get nails done.~~
~~9. Search for a hairdresser.~~ I think so. Need to have her cut Sweetness' hair to really pass the test. Today I asked for a trim and go it. Only enough to make my hair look healthy and happy again. :)
~~10. Put gas in truck.~~

I am off to beat the rush at the gas station and get some food. Wish me luck and pray I do not forget anything. :)

2008-06-23T20:23:00.002-05:00

I just told Big Man 2 to "GET THAT COOKIE DOWN THOSE STAIRS!!!!" He took a cookie up stairs and I wanted him back down with it. The best part is he came back down with it in his hand. He is listening finally. :)

2008-06-17T16:43:00.002-05:00

I went back to the gym today. I feel good but am way out of shape. I did the Crossramp for 20 minutes and an hour Piliates class. It felt like a joke to a degree. Some of the moves were hard but it was just a full body workout without the flow that was going on in the other class I took. I am going to go to a core Piliates class tomorrow. It is supposed to be harder and it sounds like the class I took before. We shall see.

I have a kid who can climb a locked gate and walk down the street. He is four years old and has no repentnce coming forth. He is proud of the fact he sneaked away and someone who thinks it is NOT ok for little people to play outside after dark with parents and neighbors watching in their underwear bring him home. I told Hubby that this is not a good thing for us. I have a feeling while Hubby is gone (if she waits that long) a lot of hassel will be sent my way. The MPs have driven by the house while I was outside with the little ones who were playing outside in their underwear smile and wave at us. I have no idea who this chick is but considering we live in Senior NCO housing I am sure she will use her husband's rank to cause me grief. I was living n such blissful ignorance. But now, I must face the reality and plan a counter attack if she should strike. Which I am sure she will since I let all the kiddos outside with no shoes on. GASP!!!!!

Anyway I am off to cook dinner and set forth new summer rules. These people are eating me out of house and home. The kitchen is to be closed most of the day and the big ones are cleaning the kitchen for a full day instead of going back and forth all day long. It gets to confusing. :( And like I need more confusion in my life.

2008-06-09T11:39:00.002-05:00

I went walking/jogging this morning. It felt good to be active again and feel the sweat falling down my forhead andmy heart pounding in my chest. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!! I did enjoy the quiet this morning and the stretches I did afterward. But during I thought I was going to die. I have lost alot of what I gained in cardio improvement with this move. I am also changing my workout program. I will be walking/jogging 6 days a week and doing Pilitates days a week at the gym. The post gyms are great but do not offer the classes I want in the time I can get there. Plus the child care is very limited. So I am kinda screwed there. Oh well.

Emtionally I am kinda torn between being excited to live in a house that is safe and well built, then I know we have this place because my wonderful Hubby said he would do anything to give us a better life. That anything includes going to war again and it is soon. I want him to leave like right now so we can just get it over with. At times I think I am wrong for feeling this way then I think no, I always think like this before Hubby leaves. Right now everything is up in the air and I am not liking it at all. I can't stand the uncertainity and the unknowns. I should get used to it but I won't right now.

To many balls in the air is the result of uncertainity and not being able to make plans. The only plans I have made for this summer is a trip to DC for three days and to take my Kiddos to my aunt in July so Hubby and I can have a few days alone. He will be working but I can meet him for lunch and we can have dates without the worry of Kiddos. We don't need alot to make us happy, just a few days alone. I hope it works this time because we have never had alone time for more than 24 hours before he has deployed. I need it and we as a couple need it. We shall se what will happen.

I am off to do more laundry. Only two loads today. Last week I did on average 5 loads a day. Just to put away clean clothes after the move. It was hard but I accomplished it with alot of hard work and muttering under my breath.

2008-06-05T17:32:00.002-05:00

Hmm, I wonder if it makes me a bad mom when I tel the Kiddos to go to the park and not come home till all the water and Gatorade is gone?