I had the honor to spend the summer taking care of my Mom during the last stages of her battle with cancer. It during this  time that I realized I did the same thing with her death as I do with Hubby's deployments. I plan and know how I am going to handle things when the time comes or a knock at the door. Anticipatory grief has seeped into more areas of my life than I ever thought possible.

What I had thought would happen when the time came for my Mom was partly true. It was a tough time but more manageable than I thought. At the time I was dealing with the Hubby being deployed and waiting for the knock and waiting for the turn in the road with my Mom. For two of the most important people in my life I was imaging what I would be thinking and doing if something happened to both at the same time.

It was a rough six to eight weeks,  waiting for a knock and dealing with my Mom. Hubby was there as much as he could via internet and phone. Friends stepped in and our church family took as much as the load off me as I would allow. Yet no one could stop my mind seeing myself burying both my Mom and Hubby at the same time. It did not happen but the thought was always in the back of my mind that I would. It actually took me a minute to realize that it was anticipatory grief I was dealing with, for both Mom and Hubby. The only difference is we knew what the outcome would be with my Mom.
 
With Hubby I never know but always plan. Let me tell you, having things planned out and ready to go is the best thing if anything happens. It also made me realize that we all need to be prepared for the worst case scenario, not just for our spouses, but ourselves too. We all need to have a will and written instructions for what our last wishes are. It makes it easier on who is left behind. Hubby has done this and now it is my turn. It has been made abundantly clear that I need to do this, not just for my own peace of mind but for the peace of mind of my loved ones.

Cross posted at www.spousebuzz.com

My life sucks right now. I am trying to see the good but it is hard. Deployment is over and when that is over some other things might be over too. Nothing that will crumble my marriage just important to us. His career is good just life is kinda hard right now.

I am here. As much as I can be after having one sick kiddo and another on the same road. The Baby is finished and Sweetness is just starting what he had a few days ago. So not looking forward to this thing making the rounds in our house.

We have started the process over again for Nana to become our dependent. It will be a few more months probable before we hear anything about it. Her oncology nurse wrote this awesome letter stating why she needs to be with us. Hubby is more optimistic than we are but I am with Nana all day every day and know what was written is true, as does she.

The Kiddos are handling it well and making Nana a big part of their day. They even tried her to play driving game on the Wii tonight. It was funny to watch. All I know is I am glad I have her while I do, no matter for how long it may be.

So, in the past 6 or 7 months I have decided to grow my hair natural. For anyone who knows me it was a difficult decision. I am loving the low maintenance, confident attitude it gives me. Lets just say rocking a hairstyle that is not mainstream is fun and interesting.

People like to touch my hair because it is soft and not greasy and I enjoy it sometimes. If it is someone I love and like and know well then you have a time limit to touch my hair, if I don't like you even and we are just surface friends, back the heck off my hair. Hair is a crowing glory for a woman. You can't just go up and touch it and leave dents and divets in a person's hair.

All of this to say I wish the kiosk people that sell flat irons would not assume as I am walking by them that I want my hair straight. I have not put any heat to my hair and will not. I am learning to many fun things to do with my hair and putting any chemicals or heat on it is not part of the plan. So, for future reference Mr Kiosk Man, I do NOT want you to ask me anything about anything ot change my beautiful hair from you. Don't ask, I will ask you. And by the way, I will not ask you for any info that may cause harm to my really tight thick curls. Thank you.

So I am alive and walking up right. Most the time. I have been super busy with finishing school, helping Hubby on a detail, helping Hubby change details, and starting towards a new endeavor. I am now a contributor on Spouse Buzz!!!! I am beyond excited and scared out of my pants at the same time. I have read that blog since Hubby's first deployment. Those ladies and one man kept me sane during that time and since then.

Nana is an awesome lady and still fighting strong. We have found another avenue to making her our dependent. Hubby will be going to her next doctor appointment and treatment with her to work with the doctor and nurse to get the properly written letter. Maybe it will work this time.

This is a test to see if I can actually blog from my phone.

I am alive. Barely walking but alive. I have had major health problems off and on for the past 18 or 19 months. It has been a challenge for me to have my kids see me crawl up the stairs in tears because I could not walk. I have been to doctor after doctor and have heard many things but what is wrong with me.

One so called doctor told me I was looking for attention to get my husband home, another said I was stressed out, and even another said I just need to lose weight. My newest doctor thinks my weight is the least of my problems. He is agreeable to send me down to another doctor who is nero about three hours away and Tricare agreed to it.

Mom is still not a dependent because that was sidetracked to take care of me. I am taking a next semester off so we can get not only myself but Mom better. She is back on chemo and fighting strong with her trademark smile and joy of God evident in all she does and says. She is my rock right now and I am thankful for her being here with us.

Sweetness is doing well in school. It is still a work in progress as she learns to teach her self and read the full directions. She is working harder but learning more now than in school. The boys are awesome. They are such independent little people. I am proud of the young men they are becoming.

I will post pictures of the family later. I must now go make green beans fried with bacon. Yummy!!!

I have a lot to say but nothing to say. Life is crazy and getting crazier. The DFAS people who decide if you have valid reasons for a parent to live with you decided our reasons were not valid enough. So we have to go another route. That will take up to another two months to decide. School starts in a couple of weeks, Sweetness will be homeschooling with an online public school. Buddy Lee just got his ID card a few weeks before his 10th birthday and Big Man has a drivers lisence and moved away. And add that Hubby is rear d. It will be a crazy school year. I just pray we make it through in one piece and stronger.

So I am caught between a rock and a flipping hard place. I finished school and needed a breather of one day of not talking to anyone, doing anything for anyone and just being quiet and alone. Not to much to ask right? Well, I wanted to fold laundry with no help today, really it is just one load, and probably a little to harsh, told my mom not to help me. I appreciate her help like no one else, but just needed to do this on my own today. Because I can. Well, she thought I was upset with her and cranky. Why can't I just be quiet and alone twice a year?

Hubby is trying to help and be the support for everyone. But he can't be everything for everybody. I miss our times together. The only person we both need to worry about is each other. My mom is a great woman and a great inspiration to me and everyone around her. I know I agreed to take care of her and be there for her, but the strain gets to be rough some days. I have been working out again and now I am seeing someone for counseling to make sure my head stays on straight.

I know this may sound selfish and all but really I need an outlet and this is it. It will also pass and will be a distant memory. But in the mean time, as I deal with my mom and her cancer I will cry, scream, and love more than ever.

We celebrated the Baby's 5th birthday yesterday. He had an awesome cake and a good time. We had a few friends over and then hit the sack. School is kicking my butt and I am ready for the semester to end. I am off to bed and then get to do it all over again tomorrow. Woohoo!! Not.

Well, just when things could not get anymore stressful, they did. Big Man hit with his attitude hard and we hit back harder. Nana started chemo and life keeps knocking me down. I am back on the cane but still doing some kind of workout. Prafully I will be able to keep a good attitude since I can still exercise someway somehow.

We are in the process of making the Nana a dependent and that is slow. On our part and the Army's. Oh well, it will get done and all will be well. Hubby is due for orders soon. I am praying we can stay here and not go anywhere else. I love it here. Most people hate the Hood, but not me. I have family, friends and a wonderful church here.

I have decided to go for my BA in Criminal Justice instead of an AA. I have five or six more classes to take and then I can transfer to an university to complete my schooling for a little bit. Between being sick, and dealing with life in the Army has caused me to switch my goals around.

Now it is time to head to the store and pick up kiddos soon. What once took me a few minutes now takes almost an hour. Hopefully it will not last as long as the last time.

Does anyone know how hard it is to talk about a DNR, Durable Power of Attorney and a Living Will with a parent is? It is beyond hard. To talk about it and make your parent know that you are doing it to make things easier on both of you if something were to happen and that you do not think that a bad thing will happen, is about like going to hell and back. Nana and I had to talk about that and it was hard. I tried to add my own brand of humor to it but it did not work to well. Nana knew what I was trying to do and was grateful that I even brought it up. She has been thinking along the same lines.

I am thinking about weeding things out of my life so I can focus on my family and my Nana. Since the second announcement of cancer has been surreal. It is crazy and hard. Nana is an amazing woman who is looking at this as another fight to battle for God and will do what she has to because God is not done with her yet. I am proud to be her daughter and honored she is here with us.

The Kiddos are dealing with it well I believe. They are my second biggest concern. I am worried about how it will work as Nana gets her treatment and how they will respond if she gets sick with the drugs. It is a crazy roller coaster I have hopped on. I am glad to do it though. My Nana deserves to be taken care of instead of taking care of others. I am off to bed now that I have purged my mind for the night.

Well, hello. I am back, I think. I made it to SpouseBuzz Live today and had many people ask me a question I have been wondering myself. Why have I not been blogging?? Well, lets see, deployments, school, kiddos, church, a track team for the kiddos and I became an assistant coach for the team. I think that is enough, but wait, add in my Momma moving in and my world has been nonstop going since the last I wrote anything or wanted to even think about writing.

I think I will be back because a lot is going on and I may need an outlet to purge and go about my daily life. So many changes and decisions to make and I don't feel like puking all over Hubby or family. So I will do it here. I will say happy, sad, crappy and mean things sometimes, because I may be to wimpy to say them to someone's face, and it is all good. If you don't like it then don't come back and read what I have to say. This is my world and I am ruling it.

I am here with no answers as of today. i do back to the doc next week and hopefully Hubby will be able to be there with me. I am holding strong, I think. I have really wonderful painfree not limping falling into walls days then BAM!!! I am hit with a week or two of really horrible can barely walk, hold my head up, smile, think straight, painful, cranky days. I need answers and they are not coming fast enough. I am praying that GOd conitues to strengthen me through His word and my wonderful Hubby who hangs tough and keeps the positive attitude. Plus he keeps me in line when I feel close to falling apart.

I am officialy enrolled in five classes this semester. Don't worry they are all online and spread out so I am not taking all five at one time. No more than three at one time. One is self paced and something I am looking forward to. So I am sure I will speed through that one ok. The one I am dreading is Eng II. I like to write but am not a big fan of writing to someone else's liking. I prefer to write from the heart and go from there.

The Kiddos all started school yesterday and loved it. Everyone one of them is close to home and we can walk on nice days and take the truck on not so nice days. It is great not having five kiddos in four places. This year it is down to three places with three kiddos in one building. Life is good that way.

Hubby and I are settling in very well to being a husband and wife still. I am alsways amazed at how God has moved in his life and how Hubby has opened up to me. I know alot has to do with me not pushing him and being more of a positive person. (Despite my health attitude.) I love Hubby more and more each and every day. He has become my positive force and he is wonderful at it.

I am off to pick up a few more supplies for the kiddos and I for school and then I will come home and take a nap. Life is good no matter how I feel or the day is going.

I am alive, with no answers yet. I have had more blood work and three more MRIs. The magentic coffin is a cool thing, just not on stormy nights. I am feeling better and slowly getting back on my feet. I am worn out from just being and want to clean, do laundry and cook without wanting to pass out or get dizzy just by walking around the house.

I have made a desicion in my life. I am going back to work, staying in school full time and preparing myself for another deployment next fall. I need to do something for me that brings money in while Hubby is deployed and school is do able online. We shall see how it goes. I am unsure if I even want to think about next fall, but it is the big elephant in the room and I am tired of it being there. Nothing can be done really to change that fact, just live in this day and not the future.

MRI this week and a foolow up with the nero in two weeks unless something is very wrong on the MRI. I kinda hope something is wrong on the MrI so I can be fixed and out of this pain.

Homecoming came and went. It was wonderful. Flight was delayed but the Kiddos were well behaved and excited to finally have Daddy home. I was not feeling to hot because of whatever is wrong but still ran to greet him. Kiddos got the first hug still. LOL I have alot to write but do not know how to say it. A bag of mixed up emotions and worries. Maybe one day i will write it down but it scares me to think about it right now.

A phone call from stateside means it is really only a fw hours from being over. I already feel the weight lifting off my chest and shoulders.

It is almost over!!!

We have lost six friends on this war. Today is a day to remember them and not to forgot anyone who has ever given their life for our freedom. As I sit here waiting for Hubby to come home and not overdo things, I can not help but to think of those six families who have to live each day with out their husband, father, son and brother. I am so grateful Hubby has come home safe each time, but today my heart aches more for the families who lost someone who gave their all for me and mine. I thank those people and wonder if they will be able to find peace and joy again. My heartfelt thanks to the many who gave all for my freedom.