Sunday, December 02, 2007

I am bummed. I could not watch SpouseBuzz Live3 because I am having Flash issues. I am still trying to figure out why I am unable to watch certain videos. It is a frustrating process. I am hoping for the next one we will be in a better place and I will be able to attend.

I have learned quite a bit about myself this semester. I have always been seen as someone's wife, mother or daughter. Never for who I am. I have had some doors open for me to show me I am not only those things. I have always seen myself as smart, giving, caring, etc person but not as an indivivual. I have always been my Father's Daughter. Now I am turning into a person with a father, mother, Kiddos, husband and friends. Not someone who has me. I am defining my own ideas of what makes me content and what I need for me to be the best I can be.

This began because Hubby asked me one day why I was looking so sad and downtrodden. I did not have an answer for him right away. I was going through the paces and acting like everything was just perfect in my world. But the whole time I was dying a little bit each and everyday. My heart was screaming for something and I had no clue what it was. I did figure out that God was putting me through my paces too. He needed me to see me as He sees me. Not how I think He sees me or even the world.

I know most people have this figured out long before they reach the age I am but let's just say I am a slow learner. I have learned that my circumstances do not make me who I am, that my character makes me who I am. My integtry is the basis of who I am. I like being know as the person who will pull out the stops to help and will give someone a laugh when they are having a rough time. But in doing all of this I forgot I needed to put back what I was pouring out into others. It had affected not only me but Hubby, the Kiddos and my dear friends. I am trying to replace what I have lost and it is a slow going process, oh so slow one. It has been painful at times too. I have learned to speak up and say no or I need to do this for me.

I had a friend ask me why I looked so sad right before Thanksgiving and he thought it was because Hubby was not ale to make the trip to my Dad's with us. It was part of it but not al of it. My friend called HUby to let him know I really wanted him to go and to say I was looking sad about it. Let's just say Hubby was put out by the thought I would have someone try and talk him into going when we had decided already what was happening. I told him no I did not have our friend call and I was not really that sad about him saying home. We were only gone for two nights and that is no big deal to me anymore. It took a phone call for me to tell HUbby what was wrong with me.

I was already at Dad's and called Hubby to say we made it safe and sound and did not run into any weather on the way east. As we were talking I finally just said that I was tired of being someone's something and giving everything I had to others. I was at a point that I had nothing to give. This is the part that scares me the most. I have no idea where to go but up now and I have some ideas on how to get back to where I need to be. Hubby has been understanding at times and at other times, well let's just say we don't agree a hundred percent.


Lemon Stand said...

I couldn't get on to see SB3 live either. I thought it was my satellite internet connection.

I hope things start going more smoothly for your family soon!

the Sapphire Cat said...

i am a new visitor and i am so happy to have found your blog (came through i am going to link to you also.

"I know most people have this figured out long before they reach the age I am but let's just say I am a slow learner."

oh--you are NOT a slow learner. anyone who thinks they came to a similar conclusion early on in life is remembering back incorrectly. :) haha. besides, you have been so busy being a caretaker for everyone else and it is hard for people like us to learn to take time for ourselves!

Chris said...

Found your blog and thought you'd appreciate this song about a little girl who asks Santa to bring her daddy home for Christmas.