Last night I was checking some blogs I read and came across this and this and they made me think more of the things I have been avoiding. When Hubby deployed both times before he was inside the wire most of the time. He has come home pretty much the same, just a little jumpy with unexpected noises. I have made small adjustments to warn him so we do not send him through the roof when we are loud or drop something. At times it is unavoidable but we have a system that works. If somethings unexpected happens I rub his arm and tell him it is ok, a book that was dropped or a backfire. It was weird at first but I overcame and adapted.

This next deplyment will be as an 11B. A Cavalry unit.

Hubby and I have both lost friends in the war. Five of them just a few days aftter his R&R and one friend we went to high school with just a couple of weeks after Hubby came home frm the same area. Our friend was in the unit that replaced Hubby's unit. It was a hard homecoming because of that.

As for how he will be after this net deployment is heavy on my mind almost all day and all night. It has kept me up at night. Hubby and I have talked about and Hubby has asked me if I would still love him no matter what way he came home. His mental state and his physical state. I told him of course, but then I wonder if he will still want me around if he is not the same person inside as he is now. I am scared to death of what will happen when he returns. I have been hearing horror stories and know that only by the grace of God will Hubby will return home a whole and sane person. I pray dailey for him to not change and to accept help if he needs it when he comes home.

He tells me all the time that he will always love me and will always need me. That he lives for the Kiddos and I. I know he does, but what if something hapens to change how he sees himself and what makes him whole, what makes us whole? How will we deal with it.

I have already made plans on what to do if someone comes knocking on my door or I get a phone call. I just can't plan on what will happen when he gets home. I amo death scared to death and do not know how to plan for this possibility. Is there anywya to plan and prepare? I know about the FRG meetings and one source, but what happens when you are in the thick of things? I guess I will see when he returns from his next deployment.