Sunday, March 30, 2008

I am scared. Scared to sleep, eat, or think to much. I am scared out of my mind Hubby will not like me when he comes home. I do this every freaking time he is gone for awhile. As the time gets closer I begin to wonder and fret. The work outs have not helped me in the sleep area yet but it has helped to stop my mind from going into over drive 24 hours a day. Now it is only 22 hours a day.

I know this is irrational and unfounded, but it is still there. I have never told anyone but I cringe everytime I see Hubby get off the plane, off a bus, out of a car or walk in the door if he had another ride home.I cringe because my outfit may not be right, the house not clean enough, not enough food he likes in the house.Any one of these things that may not be right cause extra anxiety. Maybe I am not what he wants anymore. I am uneasy and afraid till that first hug and kiss. The "I love you" whispered in my ear for no one else to hear but me alone.

Once I hear the words I settle just a tiny bit. I am able to sleep a little better and eat better. I worry though till we are settled and back into our routine of being a family; because till then anything is game. After a few weeks I am fine, till the next time he has to leave.

For now I have a few more weeks to work on cleaning and trying not to think of what may go wrong. I will focus more on the good, my Kiddos smile and laughter, the I love you text messages from Hubby and the numbers of lonely sunsets getting smaller.

Maybe now I will sleep.Maybe now the demons will leave me alone.


wendy said...

oi! I know just how you feel. I worry while my dh is gone too. Last time he was gone I lost 20 pounds. This time I'm up 5 pounds. eeeek! But I have a few months to work on it...

Reasa said...

Oh Wendy, I wish it would ocme off that easy. Even with the work outs and making myself eat I still only manage to lose 1 or 2 pounds a week. Not a good thing when my goal is 80 lbs by Nov 1. Oh well it will come off soon and I know it will for you too.