It sucks that Big Man 2 cries everytime he talks to his Daddy. It is just another reason that I cry at night right now.

I am at a weird place. I don't think I have ever been here before. I am worried I do not have what it takes to keep the fies burning in two or three places this go around. I need to give more but a whole part of me says no, save it for later, you are already strtched almost to thin. Between school, care packages, moral boosting emails, and Kiddos I feel almost empty already. I am pretty sure I will pull through and be the Queen of Third Deployments in a few months, but how do I get past this funky feeling. I am scared and see this from Toad. It's timely,and tear jerking for me. I am not facing anything like the "Big C", and I can do this. Thanks Toad. I needed that kick in the butt this morning.

Deployment Secert #5

I tell everyoe I am sleeping and all is well. That is not so much true every night. Most nights I am licky to get about three to four hours a sleep a night. Makes for one tired and short mama.

Deployment Secert Four:

I bribe my Kiddos to behave at the store and to let me have some down time on the weekends. If they do good for a week then I will buy them a toy or take them out to dinner at a kid's restraunt. It usually works but not always. Plus it is another reason not to cook.

The Baby has begun to not want to go to school. This morning when I dropped him off he screamed. I carried him out to the truck like a sack of potatoes. The he cried all 6 miles to his preschool and I had to carry him in. Then the teacher had to pry him off of my leg to get him to stay. Lets just say I left in tears. I drove to Sweetness' school and filed for an hour. Now I am home, supposed to be studying but online with Hubby and blogging.

Deployment Secert #3

At night when I am going to bed I chck the doors 4 or 5 times, then check on the kiddos before i close my door for the night. I have my laptop on my bed with the lid closed, volume on high and the lid close. I put it on Hubby's side of the bed and try to remeber what it feels like to snuggle up with the love of my life. Somedays I can, and others not so much. That scares me. Will I totally forget one day what he feels like next to me in bed? I hope not.

I have so many emotions now. I am sad, angry and happy all in one.

I am sad because of of what today is. I did not lose friends but I did lose a sense of safety in my home this day eight years ago. Anyone who says they were not affected is lying in my opinion. So many people lost just going to work, droping off kiddos and living a simple life. Those are the lives I think are a senseless loss. It has been a had day for me all around but trying to figure out how to let my Kiddos grow up as Kiddos not shrouded by war brought on my next emotion of the day.

I am angry because my Kiddos will probably neve know what it is like to be able to roam the world without having to wonder if that person is out to get them or if someone will blow up the market the may want to walk though in whatever county they travel to. My Kiddos will be scared for their Dad but not show it, they want to be brave and not cause me to worry about them more. I am angry that my two youngest boys cy for Daddy and do not think I am coming to get them from school. I am angry I am not with the love of my life.

I am happy my Kiddos can live free, and without fear for dailey life. I am happy because I have the choice to go to college and be what I want to when I grow up. I am happy Big Man is growing into an amazing man and figuring out his spot in this big world. I am happy Sweetness is mature enough to stay a little later at school so she is not around the mess of tweenage drama after school. I am happy that my three boys remember and love their Daddy who is so far away beeing a brave, strong soldier. I am happy that I have a soldier who loves me for me and knows I can handle business and love him more than anyone will ever know.

All in all, the happy things far outweigh the sad and angry things. I will stay focused on my wonderful Kiddos and Hubby and accure more As (like i did on my first test!) and live my life to the fullest so no one will have control over me or mine.

Hubby has only been gone a week and we had our first ER visit last night. If it happens this ealy does it mean the deployment gremlins will be done with me fo the next year? I hope so. The reason we went in to the ER was because Buddy Lee had a fever and a swollen foot. At first I thought it was a spider bite but it is an old bite that got infected. He is on heavy duty antibicotics for it. He is munching on cheese now and feeling better for now. I am reserving judgement til this evening. I am still worried about him because he is not acting himself and he has thee doses in him. I do not want to go back but will if I have too. I am making just in case arrgements fo the other Kiddos tonight. I am off to finally study for my test tomorow and do some homework.

Deployment Secret #2

I let the Kiddos munch away on chips and popcorn almost all day long on weekends. I will also eat an entire jar of Nutella on the weekend.

I do like to eat healthy but when Hubby is gone I just don't care. We go and go all week being good and moving almost no stop that the weekend comes we just hang out and eat whatever strikes us as yummy.

Deployment Secret #1
I only clean around the furniture and Hubby's stuff when he is gone.

We have made it through the first day of deployment. I took Hubby to the bag drop after all Kiddos were in bed and snoozing like the angles they are. Hubby went in and gave each Kiddo one last kiss and whispered "Daddy loves you." Then it was my turn to say see ya. I had tears steaming down my face all the way to the meet up local and so did my most amazing Hubby. He held my hand and said nothing in that five minute dive.

Once there it was like a breaker was switched. Both Hubby and I went from being the weepy messes we wee, to wo adults who can hold it together through hell and back. He had soldiers to care for and I was falling in love all over again with the man who has really tuely rerocked my world in the last year. He was the answer guy for some and the encourager for others. FOr me he was just the hottest guy around.

Once the cluster of deploying was taken care of we had some one on one time to talk. The tears made another appearence and we held each othe close and long. We had nothing else to say but love you and see ya soon. He walked away to form up again and get on the bus. I slowly walk around his truck to dive home and had to stop at least five times because my heart was being torn from my chest. The pain was so unbearable for a few minutes that all I could do was cawl into the cab of the truck and sit there. I did not look over to see what HUbby was doing, but just straight ahead. Once I saw the box truck with all the bags move I had to get outta there.

As I drove away I saw some soldiers getting on a bus and started to separte myself from the whole ordeal. I went from a sobbing chic to a signel mom who had to make it home to check on her sleeping babies. I looked in on all five of em and satisfied all was well sat down to write my Hubby the first deployment email. It was short and sweet so I would not cry and my eyes were burning anyway from earlier.

I think I crawled into bed around 0230 and slept like a baby til 0830. I don't think I even tuned over one time. All the Kiddos slept well and we had a wonderful day. Big Man was able to hit the skatepark here on post for a couple of hours and the others went swimming. I did some homework and tried to keep mself together. I called a few people to tell them I am fine and the Kiddos are awesome.

The one thing I did was ask Hubby to do was wait til he made it over the pond to call. He did not of course, he called from his first layover. It was wonderful to hear his voice, especially after I just had a meltdown (not at the Kiddos, just myself) and needed to hear his soothing teasing to get me ouuta my funk. It worked and it worked for all the Kiddos too. No one but me cied as fa as I know today and all the little ones went to bed without to much dama.

All I know is I have to make it throught the next year so I can be whole again. Many plans have been made and no calander for Hubby's homecoming is being thought o no. Just putting one foot in fromt of the other and one breath at a time. Nothing more, nothing less. Pray I keep my sanity and Hubby stays safe.

Good night.