I am scared. Scared to sleep, eat, or think to much. I am scared out of my mind Hubby will not like me when he comes home. I do this every freaking time he is gone for awhile. As the time gets closer I begin to wonder and fret. The work outs have not helped me in the sleep area yet but it has helped to stop my mind from going into over drive 24 hours a day. Now it is only 22 hours a day.

I know this is irrational and unfounded, but it is still there. I have never told anyone but I cringe everytime I see Hubby get off the plane, off a bus, out of a car or walk in the door if he had another ride home.I cringe because my outfit may not be right, the house not clean enough, not enough food he likes in the house.Any one of these things that may not be right cause extra anxiety. Maybe I am not what he wants anymore. I am uneasy and afraid till that first hug and kiss. The "I love you" whispered in my ear for no one else to hear but me alone.

Once I hear the words I settle just a tiny bit. I am able to sleep a little better and eat better. I worry though till we are settled and back into our routine of being a family; because till then anything is game. After a few weeks I am fine, till the next time he has to leave.

For now I have a few more weeks to work on cleaning and trying not to think of what may go wrong. I will focus more on the good, my Kiddos smile and laughter, the I love you text messages from Hubby and the numbers of lonely sunsets getting smaller.

Maybe now I will sleep.Maybe now the demons will leave me alone.

Easter Pictures

I lost two more pounds this week. I am now 217. And I can not believe I am putting myself out ther about my weight. I have been very shy about me as a whole and my appearence is the main thing. I am really liking the workouts and having the ablility to play with the boys and not being out of Trainer who helped to set me up said my face is starting to look "thinner." Talk about an ego boost. I added 180 ab crunches (6 sets of 30) on the ab crunch machine. It is my belly fat that I am wanting to go away fast. Everything else is slowly melting off but not the belly. I added the crunches on Wed and will probaly see a difference in about two weeks. I measured myself this week too. I do not know why I did not do this in the beginning. I am have a long way to go but I am motivated to stick with it (even without a partner) and see my goals. I think I am going to make a smaller goal of being 3 inches down in 2 months. It may not be that long but it is something I know I can achieve.

Any and all forms of separation - disconnects, divides, partings, breakups, and goodbyes - Reasa, are temporary. Very.
You'll be together far, far longer than you will ever be apart.
Forever and ever -
The Universe


This is somethung I have to keep in the forefront of my mind.

Well, Hubboy did not get hi first choice but his second, Ft Hood. we will be moving only a little over and hour away and I am looking forward to that. He is keyed in for that but that could change before he gets actual orders at the end of the week. I am just glad we are not heading to Ft Drum or Alaska. I love cold weather but Hubby can not stand it.

Anyway I am off to sort and get the Kiddos to bed.

Tomorrow we should know where we are going. It is a toss between two places and the first one I really want. It is now up to the the COC of each unit at each place. We shall see. Hubby was offered Airborne school today too. He did turn it down because how hard it would beon his body and the LP there said "You are up there in age Sgt." It would destroy his boby since he is not that that in shape. I thought it would be cool and Hubby did also, we just do not want him to wear out his body.

Say some prayers we get our first choice. I think after a total of almost 18 years of service HUbby should go where he wants.

I am tired and worn out. I am ready for bed but know that when I get there I will not sleep much tonight. Hubby has been gone over a month and I can't find my groove. I usually have it by now but not this time. Anyway, I was walking through my gym today when Hubby's favorite band of all time came on. It was a song from the very first CD I ever bought him and caused me to tear up. Now mind you, I had jsut finished sweating my butt off and was walking through a place filled with people being buff and becoming more buff. I hung my head andsniffed back my tears missing HUbby even more for a few minutes. I sent a call to voicemail so I could strain to hear the song and weep a little for the times Hubby was not around to see things.It made for a rough afternoon here in Central Texas.

On to easier topics. Hubby was told Ft Hood was out and it was looking like we may be heading somewhere very cold or a perfect tempture all the time. I am hoping and praying for the second, but we al know how the Army works. Anyday now we will be getting orders adn I will either shouting for joy or crying for the warm weather we have yet to leave.

I am off to work on school work and maybe a warm bath. Hope everyone has a blessed night.

I did not lose any weight this week but my clothes are going on easier. I figure between the weight lifting and cardio I am building up more muscle than I am lsoing fat or I am just replacing the fat with muscle. Either way i am happy and can feel a difference.

We will be off to see Hubby in less than a month now and I am ready for it. Still no word on where we are going and that part is getting on my nerves. I do not like waiting to be told where we are going. I guess I better get used to it.

I am off to get stuff for tomorrow's dinner. The Kiddos have overruled me and want something cooked.I guess I will and let them be happy.It is the least i can do since we have been having a free for all almost every night this week.

Well I hate the ellipitcal machine, or however you spell it. I did get past 10 minutes on it today and feel wonderful about that. I was also able to do 35 minutes on the treadmill. 3 of those minutes I ran and did not die or want to puke. Not to bad for a beginner in my opinion. I am really liking the gym. I can go sweat and work out all my frustrations and not worry about how I look to anyone.

One of the ladies that works in the daycare showed me a picture of herself a few years ago. In it she weighed 250 pounds and is now down to 160. She looks smaller than that but she is all muscle. She told me to hang in there and it will come off. It was great tlking to someone who has been where I am and took off all the weight. Plus they told me I did not look as if I needed to lose 80pounds. That stroked my ego and made today's sweat session worthwhile.

Hubby is doing great at AIT and is actually having some fun some days. Yesterday he qualified with the grenade and had a blast blowing things up. He also ran 4.6 miles without falling out of formation. He is looking forward to next month when he gradutes. I am too to be honest. I have our room booked and a route planned. I am still debabting when we will leave. I hate driving at night but I do not want to get stuck somewhere that is not in Ga. Anyway I am off to take a shower and finish my laundry.

Ok so I have embarked on another life changing event. I joined a gym. I started on Monday and worked out everyday this week. I finally found a place that I am not the biggest person there and the childcare is included. That was the selling point for me. I get two hours a day of someone else watching my boys while I sweat like I was back in the desert somewhere. I did enjoy it and I actually like going every morning. I will be losing 80 lbs in 8 months and have a goal each week of two pounds a week. I have to be running 3 to 5 miles at a time to keep up with Hubby. He is getting back into shape at AIT and we have always wanted to be running partners.I hope I can do it.

Another reason I have started this is because my youngest children have noticed I am not a small person and have made unfriendly comments. I also do not like looking in the mirror. I finally figurd out why I do not smile like i used to. I do not like my body and since it is something I can do something about I will take care of it now. I do feel better even though as I was working out I felt like I was going to puke my last two days of meals up. I feel as if I can accomplish anything that comes my way. If I can rid mysel fof two pounds by sheer sweat, endurance, and will then I will. I want to laugh and smile and not have the sinking feeling no one likes me without Hubby around. It sounds twisted but that is how I feel each time HUbby leaves. The more I thought about it the more I began to rethink how I looked at myself.

Anyway first week was a succuss. I started my week at 219 and ended at 217. Two pounds on this five foot four inch rame is a whole lot in terms a whole new life for me.