I am sitting in an airport ready to go back to my life. I really did miss the Kiddos and it was hard not to call the Kiddos every five mintues. Sweetness misses me very much. I did not think it would be this bad but it is. In just a few hours I will be home and want to run away from all the screaming Kiddos. :) I have over 300 pics to go through so I will post pics later. But I am not promising anything.

Hubby is getting closer to leaving and all the chats I loathe are beginning. The what ifs and if this hapens. I hate hate HATE them with all my being. I know for a fact they are nessecary but that does not mean I have to like them. A friend of mine is getting ready to do her first deployment and is having a rough time but in true mil spouse spirit is pulling up the big girl panties and pushing through. I know that they will be fine but it is hard to watch and try to comfort someone when I don't believe what I am saying half the time.

To Do List:

1.Write To Do List.
2. Go to the Commisary.
3.Take Pooch to Vet
4. Wait for bug guy.
5.Laundry, because it never ends.
6. Pack for my weekend getaway (no kids and no Hubby, he is loving he gets a weekend with my Mom)
7. Try not to drive everyone crazy waiting til I can go get my Mom tomorrow.
8. Get nails done.
9. Search for a hairdresser. I think so. Need to have her cut Sweetness' hair to really pass the test. Today I asked for a trim and go it. Only enough to make my hair look healthy and happy again. :)
10. Put gas in truck.

I am off to beat the rush at the gas station and get some food. Wish me luck and pray I do not forget anything. :)

I just told Big Man 2 to "GET THAT COOKIE DOWN THOSE STAIRS!!!!" He took a cookie up stairs and I wanted him back down with it. The best part is he came back down with it in his hand. He is listening finally. :)

I went back to the gym today. I feel good but am way out of shape. I did the Crossramp for 20 minutes and an hour Piliates class. It felt like a joke to a degree. Some of the moves were hard but it was just a full body workout without the flow that was going on in the other class I took. I am going to go to a core Piliates class tomorrow. It is supposed to be harder and it sounds like the class I took before. We shall see.

I have a kid who can climb a locked gate and walk down the street. He is four years old and has no repentnce coming forth. He is proud of the fact he sneaked away and someone who thinks it is NOT ok for little people to play outside after dark with parents and neighbors watching in their underwear bring him home. I told Hubby that this is not a good thing for us. I have a feeling while Hubby is gone (if she waits that long) a lot of hassel will be sent my way. The MPs have driven by the house while I was outside with the little ones who were playing outside in their underwear smile and wave at us. I have no idea who this chick is but considering we live in Senior NCO housing I am sure she will use her husband's rank to cause me grief. I was living n such blissful ignorance. But now, I must face the reality and plan a counter attack if she should strike. Which I am sure she will since I let all the kiddos outside with no shoes on. GASP!!!!!

Anyway I am off to cook dinner and set forth new summer rules. These people are eating me out of house and home. The kitchen is to be closed most of the day and the big ones are cleaning the kitchen for a full day instead of going back and forth all day long. It gets to confusing. :( And like I need more confusion in my life.

I went walking/jogging this morning. It felt good to be active again and feel the sweat falling down my forhead andmy heart pounding in my chest. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!! I did enjoy the quiet this morning and the stretches I did afterward. But during I thought I was going to die. I have lost alot of what I gained in cardio improvement with this move. I am also changing my workout program. I will be walking/jogging 6 days a week and doing Pilitates days a week at the gym. The post gyms are great but do not offer the classes I want in the time I can get there. Plus the child care is very limited. So I am kinda screwed there. Oh well.

Emtionally I am kinda torn between being excited to live in a house that is safe and well built, then I know we have this place because my wonderful Hubby said he would do anything to give us a better life. That anything includes going to war again and it is soon. I want him to leave like right now so we can just get it over with. At times I think I am wrong for feeling this way then I think no, I always think like this before Hubby leaves. Right now everything is up in the air and I am not liking it at all. I can't stand the uncertainity and the unknowns. I should get used to it but I won't right now.

To many balls in the air is the result of uncertainity and not being able to make plans. The only plans I have made for this summer is a trip to DC for three days and to take my Kiddos to my aunt in July so Hubby and I can have a few days alone. He will be working but I can meet him for lunch and we can have dates without the worry of Kiddos. We don't need alot to make us happy, just a few days alone. I hope it works this time because we have never had alone time for more than 24 hours before he has deployed. I need it and we as a couple need it. We shall se what will happen.

I am off to do more laundry. Only two loads today. Last week I did on average 5 loads a day. Just to put away clean clothes after the move. It was hard but I accomplished it with alot of hard work and muttering under my breath.

Hmm, I wonder if it makes me a bad mom when I tel the Kiddos to go to the park and not come home till all the water and Gatorade is gone?

Last night I was checking some blogs I read and came across this and this and they made me think more of the things I have been avoiding. When Hubby deployed both times before he was inside the wire most of the time. He has come home pretty much the same, just a little jumpy with unexpected noises. I have made small adjustments to warn him so we do not send him through the roof when we are loud or drop something. At times it is unavoidable but we have a system that works. If somethings unexpected happens I rub his arm and tell him it is ok, a book that was dropped or a backfire. It was weird at first but I overcame and adapted.

This next deplyment will be as an 11B. A Cavalry unit.

Hubby and I have both lost friends in the war. Five of them just a few days aftter his R&R and one friend we went to high school with just a couple of weeks after Hubby came home frm the same area. Our friend was in the unit that replaced Hubby's unit. It was a hard homecoming because of that.

As for how he will be after this net deployment is heavy on my mind almost all day and all night. It has kept me up at night. Hubby and I have talked about and Hubby has asked me if I would still love him no matter what way he came home. His mental state and his physical state. I told him of course, but then I wonder if he will still want me around if he is not the same person inside as he is now. I am scared to death of what will happen when he returns. I have been hearing horror stories and know that only by the grace of God will Hubby will return home a whole and sane person. I pray dailey for him to not change and to accept help if he needs it when he comes home.

He tells me all the time that he will always love me and will always need me. That he lives for the Kiddos and I. I know he does, but what if something hapens to change how he sees himself and what makes him whole, what makes us whole? How will we deal with it.

I have already made plans on what to do if someone comes knocking on my door or I get a phone call. I just can't plan on what will happen when he gets home. I amo death scared to death and do not know how to plan for this possibility. Is there anywya to plan and prepare? I know about the FRG meetings and one source, but what happens when you are in the thick of things? I guess I will see when he returns from his next deployment.

Moved almost everything in last night. Enough so I could sleep onmy own bed in my room and the Kiddos could sleep in their rooms. Everyone was happy for that and slept well. Today's adventure is church and finding the kitchen. Wish me luck.